Random Thoughts

• here, not to mention my fckd-up heath condition recently.
• sometimes I could just sit on couch for hours, while chatting with special person, and letting my brain explore almost everything that come up to my mind.
• I want the world to stop rotating for a moment, so does the other space objects. so for a moment, time would stop.. and universe would let me enjoying brief moments I'd die into for living there.
• everyone, everyone, always tells me to do things. criticizing on my way to live live. it's like I always do the wrong things. I never go right. while everyone else is always right. making mistakes is my talent. well, yeah.. the last one is right, probably.
• I'm the most stubborn person I possibly ever know. sounds arrogant? that's just my subjective judgment.
• but, I'm sick. sick of people telling me to do things. sick of their worries. sick of making them worry. sick of people's unfair judgment. sick of being helpless. sick of this sickness..
• this is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life.
• I just have to find a way to deal with it.
• like real soon.

As If We Didn't Know It All

what we do in life, echoes in eternity. we are so quick to point fingers instead of listening. searching to be offended and wondering why, why everything is going downhill. but have we ever, just for a moment, remain distant from everyone and look everything from a bigger picture? and stop whining, start being thankful.

the silent echoes inside my head has given me a lot to think about all these times. a lot. but now, this is why I need time for myself alone. to think. to read. to write. to feel. the importance of being idle.

I Wanna Run Around The World and Spread My Wings To Touch The Sky

and not having this.

I... simply wanna be healthy.

A Passage

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love,  I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have the gift of prophecy, and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

And if I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts not itself, is not proud,

Does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not its own,is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs.

Rejoices not in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

Always protects, always believes, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails: but whether there be prophecies, they shall be done away; whether there be tongues, they shall be stilled; whether there be knowledge, it shall pass away.

For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;

But when that which is perfect is come, that which is imperfect shall disappear.

When I was a child, I talked as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child: now that I am become a man, I put childish ways behind me.

 For now we see in a mirror, poor reflection;  then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known

 But now abides faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love."

-1 Corinthians 13

Sparks

"My heart is yours. It's you that I hold on to. That's what I do and I know I was wrong, But I won't let you down"

(Coldplay)

But We Are Just..

H U M A N

we make mistakes. we disappoint others. we get disappointed. we make expectation. we expect. we excuse. we make excuses. we apologize. we regret. we don't forgive. we promise. we break promise. we laugh. we cry. we love. we hate. we hurt others. we get hurt. we want to be understood. we don't understand others. we make theory. we don't do theory on practice. we talk. we feel. we fall. we raise. 

Pain Proof Heart

can people die because of too much crying? or having too much pain in their chest? because if people can die suffering too much heart damage, then I might have been killed thousands times. people say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, but in my case, what doesn't kill you now kills you later another time. bcs I'm not even effing stronger, instead I turn into a weak person whose crybaby ass acts anytime she gets chances.

reality bites, too hard sometimes that we may feel numb. then we become a bunch of insensitive people and the only thing that matters to us is just our life. our problems. our condition. our pain. ignoring other people's pain.. anyway, isn't it funny that the ones who have the ability to hurt you the most are the ones who you love the most? if you get hurt by someone, it means you love them, ironically. and another ugly truth about pain is when we get hurt by someone, we tend to let those who cause the pain get hurt exactly as painful as we are. or even worse. and those are what blind people. at that point, love seems like disappeared. and after a while, the numbness we feel is gone, our eyes open widely and see what mess we've made because of the pain. we're messed up. we're fucked up. we regret. as always, at the end of the day, regret comes the last. and pain doesn't go anywhere. bcs the real truth about pain is, seeing somebody we love in pain gives the worst pain ever.

if only there were a pain-proof heart, I'd love to buy it and replace my weak heart.  bcs with my pain-proof heart, I wont be too sensitive and too easy to get offended. too weak and too afraid of changes. then I will tend to stop hurting anyone, especially the ones I love.
so where to buy?

Lay It Down Slow

if you got dreams in your heart, why don't you share them with me?
and if dreams don't come true, I'll make sure that your nightmares are through
if you got pain in your heart, why don't you share them with me?
and we'll just wait and see, if it's half what it used to be
if you've got love in your heart, why don't you keep it with mine?
I can't promise a miracle, but I'll always be trying


and lay it down slow
lay it down free
lay it down easy
but lay it on me

(-Spiritualized)

Due to Health Issue

been being absence whole week, skipping all the important lessons, even my first mid test this semester. and now with only half health back I should really chase after my friends about the lessons, and facing another mid test just in two days. and another mid test in a week. what lesson? chemistry, my damn weakness. and physics next week. and also all the crap damn homeworks are there sitting nicely wait for me to touch them, which, I don't even plan to see them in near time.

yeah, my first weeks in 19th year went very obviously well.
shoot I'm a total mess. :(

Nineteen

geez, I'm old. But hey guys, thank you.

thanks for the surprises. the waking-up surprise and the before-sleep one. thanks for Louie. thanks for the certificate. thanks for the pictures. thanks for the gifts, wallets and bag. thanks for the scrapbook. thanks for the dinner treat. thank you, just simply thanks for making today so beautiful. thank you,

Emperor ITB 2010

Best Friends

Hybrid X

Dewi-es

well. I know saying thank you is not enough, but really, I feel so loved and grateful have you all guys. 

Love you all, lyk 19 times more than before. bonjour 19!

Growing Older is a Sure Thing but Growing Up is Optional

Turning 19 and leaving the beauty age of 18 in the end of the month. 19. berkali-kali saya camkan usia saya yang menginjak satuan terakhir untuk puluhan satu dan saya masih tetap sulit untuk percaya. bukan, bukan, saya tidak berniat menjadi drama queen yang melebih-lebihkan persoalan kecil, hanya saja ini suatu bentuk pikiran dan refleksi saya terhadap kehidupan saya selama ini. what have I done in this past 19 years?  saya terdiam.

I try to figure out my worthiness to touch down the age of adulthood by looking what I have done. dan yah kosong. I'm not even close to be what people call maturity. tidak jarang saya bertingkah seperti anak remaja, labil dan keras kepala. saya belum melakukan apa-apa, dan terlalu banyak membuang waktu. begitu banyak kesempatan saya sia-siakan. apa achievement saya? sudahkah saya membuat decent contribution? to country? to city? to college? or even just to my own family? belum, saya belum melakukan apa-apa. awalnya hal itu tidak terasa bisa disesalkan, tapi begitu melihat sekitar saya, melihat semuanya secara lebih dekat, wah, wah. terdiam dan menyesal. usia sudah memasuki satuan terakhir di puluhan satu, belum pantas rasanya menginjak usia kepala dua. kalau saja bukan karena saya ingin bersyukur kepada Sang Pencipta atas kehidupan yang sudah diberikan pada saya 19 tahun ini, rasanya tidak ada yang perlu dirayakan dari penambahan usia ini.

but, well................. the ugly truth is, time-wont-wait. so here I am. in less than a week facing the new age, and hopefully following by new better personality, behavior, intelligence, empathy in a complete package as my present. mungkin saya masih belum melakukan hal terbaik yang bisa saya lakukan dalam hidup saya, tapi selama saya masih memiliki keluarga dan teman-teman yang saya cintai, saya tau saya akan tidak akan berhenti melakukan yang terbaik buat mereka, yang mungkin salah satunya adalah kamu yang sedang membaca :-)

semua manusia pasti bertambah tua, tapi bertambah dewasa adalah sebuah cerita lain.
good nite, universe. 

Please

"whenever you're having a bad day, 

just remember that I love you, 

and you can always talk to me anytime, 

even it's 3 AM and we have school the next day."

-capt

The Left Out Passion

Lately I just had this conversation about totality on something you're interested in. idk, this talk kinda got me thinking a lot. looking around and boom! eyes widely opened. people around me are doing their passion and where do I end up? ordinary. simply an ordinary student who spend most of days studying and being home. plain and I don't want to go plain. I realized how wasteful my time was. there are really a LOT of things I really love in this world. things and activities. and at this very moment, pathetically I'm doing none of those. if only.

and these, these all were my passions.


ONE.

people who have known me since I was a kid absolutely know how I was into this activity very well. dancing. it's kinda a big part of my life. I've been doing this since I was in kindergarten. followed some championships and got used to perform on stages. in junior high, started to do cheerleaders. yelling, bouncing, jumping, lifting people, gymnastic.. then back to modern dance in high school.  it's just sad to remember how passionate I was before. now that 2 years has gone since I quitted --hate to admit this-- I miss it. I miss the spirit, the beat, the music, the excitement, the thrill, the steps, the euphoria, I miss the dance.

TWO.

Piano, sheets, notes, and tuts were my very best friends. however, having piano course since I was 8 made me hate piano at first. I saw piano practices as a burden and kept wondering why I should have this boring practice while my other friends shouldn't. it turned out that when I was in junior high, all the negative judgements about piano and music was gone. I started to love music, classical and jazz especially. happily had piano practice everyday, had some concerts, and so on. but then formal education forced me to choose between school and piano in high school,.and I chose school. leaving my passion in playing the piano in vain.


THREE.

thinking 'are you kidding? photography? seriously'? I'm totally not. I probably am not really good at this, a very amateur moment-capturer, but once back then, I was really into camera and photos editing. like totally. I really fell in love with the idea of immortalizing the moment, the images which our eyes can't catch. moments we want to crystalize, to symbolize as the witness that we were ever there at those beautiful moments.. however, it's been long since I rolled into camera, and it'll be such a waste of your time to visit my lame old deviant art by clicking this. same old shit. anyway, I left my camera in Jkt and recently lust over a pocket one. let's save some money then... (crossing fingers for cents raining)



writing, movies, books, fashion, cooking, design, and so on, and so forth... hmmh passion.
images courtesy

"Doing what you like is freedom,

but liking what you do is happiness." -anonymous 

Roses Blanche

I just never realized how beautiful a white rose is before, until now.

A Coffee Taste

Now here it comes

You complain again

Complain about everything

It’s driving me mad

Now look at you

Wearing that shirt again

Dont you realize how ugly that thing is

But even so

I love you anyway

No matter how things have gone

You always have me

Mocca.