Nineteen

geez, I'm old. But hey guys, thank you.

thanks for the surprises. the waking-up surprise and the before-sleep one. thanks for Louie. thanks for the certificate. thanks for the pictures. thanks for the gifts, wallets and bag. thanks for the scrapbook. thanks for the dinner treat. thank you, just simply thanks for making today so beautiful. thank you,

Emperor ITB 2010

Best Friends

Hybrid X

Dewi-es

well. I know saying thank you is not enough, but really, I feel so loved and grateful have you all guys. 

Love you all, lyk 19 times more than before. bonjour 19!

Growing Older is a Sure Thing but Growing Up is Optional

Turning 19 and leaving the beauty age of 18 in the end of the month. 19. berkali-kali saya camkan usia saya yang menginjak satuan terakhir untuk puluhan satu dan saya masih tetap sulit untuk percaya. bukan, bukan, saya tidak berniat menjadi drama queen yang melebih-lebihkan persoalan kecil, hanya saja ini suatu bentuk pikiran dan refleksi saya terhadap kehidupan saya selama ini. what have I done in this past 19 years?  saya terdiam.

I try to figure out my worthiness to touch down the age of adulthood by looking what I have done. dan yah kosong. I'm not even close to be what people call maturity. tidak jarang saya bertingkah seperti anak remaja, labil dan keras kepala. saya belum melakukan apa-apa, dan terlalu banyak membuang waktu. begitu banyak kesempatan saya sia-siakan. apa achievement saya? sudahkah saya membuat decent contribution? to country? to city? to college? or even just to my own family? belum, saya belum melakukan apa-apa. awalnya hal itu tidak terasa bisa disesalkan, tapi begitu melihat sekitar saya, melihat semuanya secara lebih dekat, wah, wah. terdiam dan menyesal. usia sudah memasuki satuan terakhir di puluhan satu, belum pantas rasanya menginjak usia kepala dua. kalau saja bukan karena saya ingin bersyukur kepada Sang Pencipta atas kehidupan yang sudah diberikan pada saya 19 tahun ini, rasanya tidak ada yang perlu dirayakan dari penambahan usia ini.

but, well................. the ugly truth is, time-wont-wait. so here I am. in less than a week facing the new age, and hopefully following by new better personality, behavior, intelligence, empathy in a complete package as my present. mungkin saya masih belum melakukan hal terbaik yang bisa saya lakukan dalam hidup saya, tapi selama saya masih memiliki keluarga dan teman-teman yang saya cintai, saya tau saya akan tidak akan berhenti melakukan yang terbaik buat mereka, yang mungkin salah satunya adalah kamu yang sedang membaca :-)

semua manusia pasti bertambah tua, tapi bertambah dewasa adalah sebuah cerita lain.
good nite, universe. 

Please

"whenever you're having a bad day, 

just remember that I love you, 

and you can always talk to me anytime, 

even it's 3 AM and we have school the next day."

-capt

The Left Out Passion

Lately I just had this conversation about totality on something you're interested in. idk, this talk kinda got me thinking a lot. looking around and boom! eyes widely opened. people around me are doing their passion and where do I end up? ordinary. simply an ordinary student who spend most of days studying and being home. plain and I don't want to go plain. I realized how wasteful my time was. there are really a LOT of things I really love in this world. things and activities. and at this very moment, pathetically I'm doing none of those. if only.

and these, these all were my passions.


ONE.

people who have known me since I was a kid absolutely know how I was into this activity very well. dancing. it's kinda a big part of my life. I've been doing this since I was in kindergarten. followed some championships and got used to perform on stages. in junior high, started to do cheerleaders. yelling, bouncing, jumping, lifting people, gymnastic.. then back to modern dance in high school.  it's just sad to remember how passionate I was before. now that 2 years has gone since I quitted --hate to admit this-- I miss it. I miss the spirit, the beat, the music, the excitement, the thrill, the steps, the euphoria, I miss the dance.

TWO.

Piano, sheets, notes, and tuts were my very best friends. however, having piano course since I was 8 made me hate piano at first. I saw piano practices as a burden and kept wondering why I should have this boring practice while my other friends shouldn't. it turned out that when I was in junior high, all the negative judgements about piano and music was gone. I started to love music, classical and jazz especially. happily had piano practice everyday, had some concerts, and so on. but then formal education forced me to choose between school and piano in high school,.and I chose school. leaving my passion in playing the piano in vain.


THREE.

thinking 'are you kidding? photography? seriously'? I'm totally not. I probably am not really good at this, a very amateur moment-capturer, but once back then, I was really into camera and photos editing. like totally. I really fell in love with the idea of immortalizing the moment, the images which our eyes can't catch. moments we want to crystalize, to symbolize as the witness that we were ever there at those beautiful moments.. however, it's been long since I rolled into camera, and it'll be such a waste of your time to visit my lame old deviant art by clicking this. same old shit. anyway, I left my camera in Jkt and recently lust over a pocket one. let's save some money then... (crossing fingers for cents raining)



writing, movies, books, fashion, cooking, design, and so on, and so forth... hmmh passion.
images courtesy

"Doing what you like is freedom,

but liking what you do is happiness." -anonymous 

Roses Blanche

I just never realized how beautiful a white rose is before, until now.

A Coffee Taste

Now here it comes

You complain again

Complain about everything

It’s driving me mad

Now look at you

Wearing that shirt again

Dont you realize how ugly that thing is

But even so

I love you anyway

No matter how things have gone

You always have me

Mocca.

Counting On and On

I'm waiting.

waiting for someone I've been longing for along this year. He's coming back to Jakarta this afternoon and I can't wait to see him and have a serious talk about this. this, is something I can't deny, that there's something inside of me that keeps growing these few weeks.. something I haven't felt these couple of years. I start to feel changes all over me, even the littlest ones. how constantly the last thing I remember before I sleep and the first thing that show up in my mind after I wake up everyday is him. can't help not to mention his name in every conversation I have with people around me. things that automatically come up when I think of him. things I start to love about him. the way he makes me feel. the warmth  he brought to me when we're drowned in our conversations. Smiles I can't help to make every time I read his texts. the way way he closes my day by simply saying good night which sometimes could vanish my drowsiness and make me wide awake all night, but still, wake up next morning with a tummy full of butterflies. the way he calls my name. it's so funny how often he changes my nicks. his voice. his lovely voice which could make brain freeze for me when he calls my name. the way he talks. the way he laughs. the way he makes me laugh especially in phone calls. our midnite phone calls. our dawn phone calls. our all nite long phone calls. morning calls. all the phone calls. I could stay up until morning even though I had something to do in the morning just to hear his voice longer. the way he convinces me when I start not to believe in him. the look in his eyes. his smile. his style. his silly and annoying jokes. his perspective. his critical mind. his presence. him. 

I'm waiting for him.

I wrote this paragraph exactly a month ago. funny is, few hours after finishing this post, the character 'him' eventually took the big part of my life, just like that. boom. been a month, and it was very pleasant month, and I know that he and I still have other good months following up hopefully.
happy 4th day of the month.