Of Fears and Insecurities

“If I had to describe myself as anything it would be a raging sea. What I need from you is to be a ship that can keep afloat when the waters are rocky.” (Take me away from high hopes, take me away from insecurities, take me away from disappointments, and bring me to a place where fond memories – of waves kissing the shore, of an affectionate breeze combing through my hair, of your fingers dancing on a weathered stage.)


I'm scared. Really scared. Like fucking terrified. These, fears and insecurities, have been eating me up inside and I think time is running out.

A Letter of Apology, For Beloved

Forward
You
A Space
Earth 

(to everyone, who cares, who's been supporting, who helps, who loves.)

I apologize. 

Yet again, I failed you for who knows how many times it's already been. I apologize for being a disappointment, because this time, I tried, I did try, and it was still not good enough. I didn't work hard enough, didn't stand strong enough, didn't run fast enough. It's so close, but it's too late. I didn't make it, no matter how fast I ran towards it this time, it was just still not enough. 

I apologize I still couldn't break the good news you've been waiting for, instead I had to bring another blow on top of what's been happening all these years. I don't even know on what ground I've been standing on all this time, I couldn't reach high enough to stop the unmet expectations from falling from the sky. 

I apologize for being a constant worry. For the first time in years, I tried to embrace all the loves given to me, and to actually prove myself worthy of them. I thought that's the only fuel needed for me to push through this time, but I wasted it. I'm not sorry for myself, I'm, sorry you have to waste them on me. 

I apologize you have to put up with me all this time because I don't deserve you. As a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a best friend, a friend, a team player, a thesis partner, a student, a lover, I'm not good enough.

I'm deeply regretting this and accepting 100% that this is my own fault and responsibility. Hate me, get mad at me, punish me. I'm trying, like you all always say, not to beat up myself too much, but it's not easy. I tried to stay unaffected, stay okay at least, but the mask is getting heavier. Because I'm not. I can't even forgive myself, how would I dare asking for your forgiveness?

Still however here I am collecting my remaining courage to brace the reality and apologize. I know I don't deserve this. But there's this voice inside my head telling me to ask you not to leave, even I, again, don't deserve you. Otherwise, I feel like I'm gonna lose myself again, like last year, 2 years ago, 3 years ago. And I don't want to, I really don't want to, so, please. Please, please, please. Please accept this apology from the deepest of my heart, hold my hands, still, and never let it go.

I'm sorry, I really am sorry. 

with love, that remains, worry, and regrets,
-V.

It Is Not A Blank Space

-

"then what?"
"idk, I kinda expected people to leave afterwards."
"okay. then, I don't. see? I won't, at least not for it."
"you have no idea what you're talking about."
"then, tell me. how would I know if you disappear every time?"
"...idk."
"at least, just tell me. promise me."
"okay."
"okay?"
"I'll try."

-

"well."

"well?"

"okay that happened. so what?"

"idk, I thought it might be the same for you too."

"I don't get why you fret over this. It's not a big deal for me."

"you sure?"

"I didn't just know you yesterday. I wouldn't be here if I found it a problem."

"what do you think I am doing right now here if not for this?"

"so what are we waiting for?"

"you can?"

"I can."

"okay."

-

"everyone has their own problems. you're not alone in this."
"do you have one as well?"
"I do."

-

"happy."

"happy."

Love and The Other Drugs

( 七転び八起き )

"Fall down 7 times, get up 8."

Most of people who are close to me knows I was kinda sickly when I was a kid. stomach stuff. but it never really bothered my life that much. I lived quite normal in my teenage years, a form of memory I still cherish so much to this day. But years come by and things that I used to bear easily have become harder, almost unbearable each day. These 4 years are the worst. Questions and doubts popping out in my mind everytime i'm sick, it hits hard, frequently, intensely. I didn't see it coming, but being sick almost everyday, everynight, this wears me off. There's a constant underlying fear creeping out that turned me into a hollow. Things got far more destructive, I fell deep into the mess of physical and mental pain. For the first time, it's not only my body that's sick. My mind as well.

Now the damage is done, the aftermath is still creeping around like it'll never be gone.

I'm so 
so
damn tired. 
So close to give up at this point.
I'm so done with this.
so 
fucking done.



This Japanese proverb saying "fall down 7 times and get up 8" hits too close to home for me. I thought about giving up so many times, but remembering the faces of people who actually loves me and there all along pushes me much further. It might be my problem, lifelong problem, but I only need a way to deal with this, and life will be much easier.

Thank you, for the supports, for the loves, for the faith you all put in me.
I never knew before that love is the only constant drug I need to recover.
Thank you.




(This is gonna be a long process.)



(Thank you for sticking around anyway.)