rethorical

to him

what if
that day,
I brought my book
that would stop me
from an unavoidable meeting

where would I stand right now
what would my life turn to be

would I be happy,
or sad instead

would he be happier,
or sadder instead

I probably wouldn't feel this pain, 
wouldn't be this damaged
wouldn't be this twisty

but definitely
I also wouldn't have tasted real happiness
wouldn't feel blessed 
to ever know how to love someone wholeheartedly
to feel loved
to know him, 
to be given excessive amount of joy, and warmth

Good Things

it's 00.12 am on my desktop and my eyes are just as wide as Japan's anime's eyes. apparently I'm having sleep pattern shifted which affects just whole my daily routines. going to bed at dawn and sleep through all morning. which is unhealthy and kinda makes my body weakened actually.. blame on my lack of activity holiday. longing for something 'fun' to do, waiting for good things to happen.

speaking of which, due to everything being gone downhill lately, I'm becoming less and less inspired, also, of course, less motivated. like undetermined. that's maybe one of the reason after "this is holiday" that makes me keep the shifting of daily routines. it's no good. doing nothing is absolutely no solving anything. not to mention the good things I wait for.

now I'm here, in Bandung. been about a week here for a remedial exam. thank God there's still a remedy for one my failures this term. during last week I keep reminding my self that only a fool doesn't make the best for the second chance. turns out that..well..let's just see about the result. in fact, sometimes I still feel like, geez, viv, you still don't learn your lesson, do you? keep making the same mistakes over and over again. just waiting and doing nothing here.

thank God tomorrow I'm going back to Jakarta and plan to stay there for about a week. need to be outta Bandung for a while although I really really love Bandung. but being alone is the last thing I need for now. idling is not good for my thoughts apparently, hehe. the highlights of next week that keeps me excited going home are my cousin's wedding and brother's sidi. family week is all I need for now instead being here idling, just wait, wait and wait.

now I'm feeling like complaining to whoever creates a saying "good things come to those who wait." I mean, waiting won't give you any lesson less much than doing nothing. it's like waiting for the sky to drop a cent of money. imho, it's perhaps more appropriate to be patient instead. keep working, giving efforts, going thru tough times, and facing unstoppable rain of life problems. patience, one thing that I thought I already had but obviously it is still out of my reach.

good things come to those who are patient.
--Welcome Summer :)

Still

no matter, no matter, no matter,
it's still valid

Decadence

the word failure, has been glued to me, since nowadays life becomes pretty much a disaster. I failed at almost everything, nothing that I've done is good enough. sadly it's kinda too late to be fixed. I failed even in relationship, isn't it bad enough.. no, obviously life still wants to kid me more.
been thinking much about this recently, lots happened in my mind, I couldn't catch every thought, and it came out empty. like a lightning in the middle of a clear day, I got slapped by my own failure and changes. it ain't easy to accept, all I can give is denial. this is not me. this is not me. this, is, not, me.
Back then, I was always content with dreams and passion, reaching for the goal one by one. doing particularly all the things I love, living in the moment. and now, at the age where I always thought I was gonna be better, all I got is failure, a come-down. I'm at nowhere.


now, what to do, where to go, how to start,
starting over is no joke but it's not even easy. 

Slow Dancing in the Burning Room

how dare you say it's nothing to me?
you're the only light I ever saw

How Lee Day!

Hereby, I do solemnly affirm and state my freedom of academic activities until the next three holy months, or to be exact 26th of August 2012. For further information about non-academic activities, including vacation trip, will be held as I fill in with more posts. for the given attention, all the third parties who read this would have my gratitudes.




anyway.. this declaration deserves a yay, buddy.

yay!

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

quoting from a song by Florence + the Machine,which was first heard on 'How I Met Your Mother' tv series season 7 eps 17. No deeper and further implementation on recent life, just can't stop listening to her voice, feel the emotion and heart the lyrics. help

And I've been a fool and I've been blind 

I can never leave the past behind 

I can see no way, I can see no way 

I'm always dragging that horse around 

 All of these questions, such a mournful sound 

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground 

So I like to keep my issues drawn 

But it's always darkest before the dawn

I am done with my graceless heart 

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart 

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

Just Walked in the Rain

"get off the car, it's pouring down. one way of mending your scar inside is by washing it under the rain. crying it out. letting it go. letting it happen. that way, you might not feel any relieved, but at least, you won't hold such deep emotion and pressing yourself into despair"

"I love walking in the rain because no one can see me crying." 

-Rowan Atkinson

Useless Tautology

"I'll be happy when I'm happy"

in fact, it was just another brief moment of relief. it's not the eternal happiness that I always long for, well, the probability is not as much regarding to everything that had happened. history suggests to keep repeating itself. although I taste my true happiness, that costs me, as true pain, which is, I'm willing to persist. but, it seems to me, this train has to stop going in an infinite loop and I have no power left to prevent it. I just can't afford to leave, nor to stay.. and there is only two options. now that I finally was left, I'm not able to move even an inch.

I'll be happy when I'm happy. I'll be sad when I'm sad. I'll leave when I leave. I'll stay when you stay.
all is useless tautology.

or, is it?

Bitter

I thought I understood the idea of it, but fact that I can't stop questioning why only shows how  arrogant I was. no idea at all. in fact, life is no fantasy, no happy ending, no sweet coincidence. it is just pretty much about persisting in pain. how to stay fighting for the idea of happiness, how to stay sweet in the middle bitterness, how to stay alive in the middle of dead hearts. it is so funny. life's funny. I can tell how huge its sense of humor is. at some point, when I felt like I had everything I need, that I couldn't ask for more because I was so content, the lightning stroke and it was empty again. I was working against the gravity and then it pulled me down to the ground. I was standing on a solid ground, and then my ground collapsed. 


I really have no idea to where this wave will bring me. it might be another pain, or a happily ever after, or just another brief moment of relief. it can be everything, possibilities are infinite. but, at this very moment, I only feel bitter. 
my definition of life, is wasted.

these keep bugging my mind these days

1. how do we not see our limitation as an obstacle, a hurdle? since it does limit us to do everything. constraint, barrier function, things we cannot pass because of its feasibility. 
2. I really really really really really (-infinite really) want those things. so much I dare to say now I have things to die for. but damn it. bounded. this is the time when I feel like so little even my determination gets smaller and gone. I can't escape this jail.
3. now how can we work it out. the circles in the diagram venn of things I want to do and my capability of work are like.. never intersect each other.  if they were curves, they were like asymptote. if they were magnetic poles, they were like two of one-kind of poles. t
4. where the hell r u girl. 17 y/o me.
5. last, why do I always write when I should be studying for exams. guess I just looked for an excuse not to face the books :p but well, these things keep shadowing me. 

never mind. these all are just rhetorical questions. the answers perhaps still lie somewhere within my self.

so.... someday, somehow..

Tweeny Twenty

5th birthday of a twenty y/o girl.. weird. 

and weirdly it went weird and so so too.

Two Thousand and Twelve

there are so many things I wanna change. 

I got a new wish list on my new agenda of 2012.. which is written there at first so I don't forget to share it here.. but well. changed my mind right before making this post. prefer to keep it privately. it's like making a deal with yourself. an agreement, a contract to be fulfilled. Remember words by Cicero, a Roman philosopher, which has been modified over the ages?

"You are your own worst enemy."

changing your own habit, your perspective, your taste, your attitude, your nature, is like an endless war against yourself. easier said than done. 36 days after new year eve, nothing much has changed. for some people, in this case it refers to me, one of physics law works here, moment of inertia. the tendency to stay the same is just hard to ignore. and that's the enemy. every year, new year moment has been a turning point for most people. resolutions are made, hope grows, the fight for life is renewed. in fact, it's a new battlefield. a new war against your worst enemy. funny thing that if you win, both of you and your enemy win. and vice versa. 

so, hello, another year.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself,you will succumb in every battle”
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War