You know how most of days of our lives just go by through hours and minutes
like any other days in our lives?
Apparently today wasn't one of those days.
This morning I woke up feeling terrible having pulled an all nighter because I saw some stuffs on my laptop – which I shouldn't have seen – that bothered me to the point I needed to escape my mind for a while and end up doing my thesis until morning. Unfortunately, in writing your thesis you need to be in the best state of mind, and not as an escape. Which resulted in me kinda frowning upon the fact that I haven't done a lot of 'good' development, all night was spent on shitty progress. I expected something better than this by the end of July, and it's already July 28. shot.
I also found out then waking up cranky didn't sit well on my stomach that has been acting up for the past few days. I could hardly swallowed my breakfast and it alarmed me because I can't afford not being on the top of my health game for the next couple of months, again. So I decided to call off my plans and lay low a bit for the rest of the day. Hoping this knot on my stomach will go off eventually, I slept on it for the rest of morning. And, ah, it didn't go away by the time I woke up nearing lunchtime.
I still didn't feel all wrong until I got a phone call from a close friend I've known for years who lives in another city. It's a usual conversation we always share at first, until out of the blue he revealed that he found me weird. Which surprised me because I never heard people saying they find me weird to my face in my years of living, different, yes, but never weird. it's kinda new. so I asked him how? he simply said in Lana del Rey way of weird. it's not funny but still it made me laugh. I still really dont get which part of me reminds him of Lana del Rey's quirkiness – which I adore by the way – after he went on explaining, but something bugged my mind since.
I admit after that I didnt put so much thought engaging in our conversation. My mind was somewhere else, I wasnt sure where, until my friend mentioned something about 'recovery'. Having this huge issue regarding my current life's healthiness, it ticks me off guard every time people talking about it. Usually I'd just shrug it off assuming my interlocutors don't know a damn thing about what I'm going through. Again, today was just not that day. My friend went on about how I take the 'recovery' process not quite well, and all of sudden I ran out of words for response. One thing I was sure was that I was not mad. But it baffled me in a way I didn't understand at first. So we hung up and I went downstairs to have my lunch.
This is where things got ugly.
Today was still kind of a slow day for my family – mostly due to lingering festive holiday – so all of us were still lounging at home before lunchtime. I joined them at living room and got in usual, mundane conversation we always have. With a family you know your whole life, you usually know which buttons to push and not to push. Again, today was not that kind of day for me. In the middle of conversation, my younger brother who I dear, dear so much, in response to my argument gave me a questioning look and a rather harsher choice of words about a family matter, that hit too close to home. Just like that, it broke me down. I couldn't stop my tears and spilt all of my frustration unto him. It all just went on uncontrollably and gosh how I hate crying in front of other people. My brother didn't say a word so I just went to my room after that. We succeeded avoiding something that could have been one hell of ugly fight, thanks to him. But I cant help being mad at him.
Today was indeed weird. I then fell asleep and woke up to now-dark bedroom and having all things that happened today hit me at once like a wave. There was a pang of guilt heaving down my chest. I tried recalling things to make sense what the hell have I been doing today, because as it turns out, I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. The fact that I got sick earlier this morning, and how stuffs I saw on my laptop unconsciously reminded me what a failure I've been. When my friend mentioned about me being weird, it didn't come as a much comfort my friend intended it to be after all of that. And by the time he took recovery into the matter, I was already far too gone I started correlating stuffs with 'failure'. Then, when my brother had to push the wrong button at the wrong time, I exploded.
I know I shouldn't let some stuffs bothered me too much and need a big mature ass kicking to my emotional self and for the love of goodness, start acting like an actual functional adult in society for once. But it did, some stuffs I found sitting in the corner of my hard disk, random things my friend said, and how well my family do affected me a lot. Even though I'm already 23 and in the middle of building my life, as an amateur adult, I cant help but wonder how an actual functional adult in society dealing with emotion and feelings thingy once in a while, though? How does one handle it smoothly without affecting much their study, career, and general professional life? Does adulthood turn us into an army of emotionless robots?
today was a weird day.
