Pain Proof Heart

can people die because of too much crying? or having too much pain in their chest? because if people can die suffering too much heart damage, then I might have been killed thousands times. people say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, but in my case, what doesn't kill you now kills you later another time. bcs I'm not even effing stronger, instead I turn into a weak person whose crybaby ass acts anytime she gets chances.

reality bites, too hard sometimes that we may feel numb. then we become a bunch of insensitive people and the only thing that matters to us is just our life. our problems. our condition. our pain. ignoring other people's pain.. anyway, isn't it funny that the ones who have the ability to hurt you the most are the ones who you love the most? if you get hurt by someone, it means you love them, ironically. and another ugly truth about pain is when we get hurt by someone, we tend to let those who cause the pain get hurt exactly as painful as we are. or even worse. and those are what blind people. at that point, love seems like disappeared. and after a while, the numbness we feel is gone, our eyes open widely and see what mess we've made because of the pain. we're messed up. we're fucked up. we regret. as always, at the end of the day, regret comes the last. and pain doesn't go anywhere. bcs the real truth about pain is, seeing somebody we love in pain gives the worst pain ever.

if only there were a pain-proof heart, I'd love to buy it and replace my weak heart.  bcs with my pain-proof heart, I wont be too sensitive and too easy to get offended. too weak and too afraid of changes. then I will tend to stop hurting anyone, especially the ones I love.
so where to buy?

Lay It Down Slow

if you got dreams in your heart, why don't you share them with me?
and if dreams don't come true, I'll make sure that your nightmares are through
if you got pain in your heart, why don't you share them with me?
and we'll just wait and see, if it's half what it used to be
if you've got love in your heart, why don't you keep it with mine?
I can't promise a miracle, but I'll always be trying


and lay it down slow
lay it down free
lay it down easy
but lay it on me

(-Spiritualized)

Due to Health Issue

been being absence whole week, skipping all the important lessons, even my first mid test this semester. and now with only half health back I should really chase after my friends about the lessons, and facing another mid test just in two days. and another mid test in a week. what lesson? chemistry, my damn weakness. and physics next week. and also all the crap damn homeworks are there sitting nicely wait for me to touch them, which, I don't even plan to see them in near time.

yeah, my first weeks in 19th year went very obviously well.
shoot I'm a total mess. :(

Nineteen

geez, I'm old. But hey guys, thank you.

thanks for the surprises. the waking-up surprise and the before-sleep one. thanks for Louie. thanks for the certificate. thanks for the pictures. thanks for the gifts, wallets and bag. thanks for the scrapbook. thanks for the dinner treat. thank you, just simply thanks for making today so beautiful. thank you,

Emperor ITB 2010

Best Friends

Hybrid X

Dewi-es

well. I know saying thank you is not enough, but really, I feel so loved and grateful have you all guys. 

Love you all, lyk 19 times more than before. bonjour 19!

Growing Older is a Sure Thing but Growing Up is Optional

Turning 19 and leaving the beauty age of 18 in the end of the month. 19. berkali-kali saya camkan usia saya yang menginjak satuan terakhir untuk puluhan satu dan saya masih tetap sulit untuk percaya. bukan, bukan, saya tidak berniat menjadi drama queen yang melebih-lebihkan persoalan kecil, hanya saja ini suatu bentuk pikiran dan refleksi saya terhadap kehidupan saya selama ini. what have I done in this past 19 years?  saya terdiam.

I try to figure out my worthiness to touch down the age of adulthood by looking what I have done. dan yah kosong. I'm not even close to be what people call maturity. tidak jarang saya bertingkah seperti anak remaja, labil dan keras kepala. saya belum melakukan apa-apa, dan terlalu banyak membuang waktu. begitu banyak kesempatan saya sia-siakan. apa achievement saya? sudahkah saya membuat decent contribution? to country? to city? to college? or even just to my own family? belum, saya belum melakukan apa-apa. awalnya hal itu tidak terasa bisa disesalkan, tapi begitu melihat sekitar saya, melihat semuanya secara lebih dekat, wah, wah. terdiam dan menyesal. usia sudah memasuki satuan terakhir di puluhan satu, belum pantas rasanya menginjak usia kepala dua. kalau saja bukan karena saya ingin bersyukur kepada Sang Pencipta atas kehidupan yang sudah diberikan pada saya 19 tahun ini, rasanya tidak ada yang perlu dirayakan dari penambahan usia ini.

but, well................. the ugly truth is, time-wont-wait. so here I am. in less than a week facing the new age, and hopefully following by new better personality, behavior, intelligence, empathy in a complete package as my present. mungkin saya masih belum melakukan hal terbaik yang bisa saya lakukan dalam hidup saya, tapi selama saya masih memiliki keluarga dan teman-teman yang saya cintai, saya tau saya akan tidak akan berhenti melakukan yang terbaik buat mereka, yang mungkin salah satunya adalah kamu yang sedang membaca :-)

semua manusia pasti bertambah tua, tapi bertambah dewasa adalah sebuah cerita lain.
good nite, universe. 

Please

"whenever you're having a bad day, 

just remember that I love you, 

and you can always talk to me anytime, 

even it's 3 AM and we have school the next day."

-capt

The Left Out Passion

Lately I just had this conversation about totality on something you're interested in. idk, this talk kinda got me thinking a lot. looking around and boom! eyes widely opened. people around me are doing their passion and where do I end up? ordinary. simply an ordinary student who spend most of days studying and being home. plain and I don't want to go plain. I realized how wasteful my time was. there are really a LOT of things I really love in this world. things and activities. and at this very moment, pathetically I'm doing none of those. if only.

and these, these all were my passions.


ONE.

people who have known me since I was a kid absolutely know how I was into this activity very well. dancing. it's kinda a big part of my life. I've been doing this since I was in kindergarten. followed some championships and got used to perform on stages. in junior high, started to do cheerleaders. yelling, bouncing, jumping, lifting people, gymnastic.. then back to modern dance in high school.  it's just sad to remember how passionate I was before. now that 2 years has gone since I quitted --hate to admit this-- I miss it. I miss the spirit, the beat, the music, the excitement, the thrill, the steps, the euphoria, I miss the dance.

TWO.

Piano, sheets, notes, and tuts were my very best friends. however, having piano course since I was 8 made me hate piano at first. I saw piano practices as a burden and kept wondering why I should have this boring practice while my other friends shouldn't. it turned out that when I was in junior high, all the negative judgements about piano and music was gone. I started to love music, classical and jazz especially. happily had piano practice everyday, had some concerts, and so on. but then formal education forced me to choose between school and piano in high school,.and I chose school. leaving my passion in playing the piano in vain.


THREE.

thinking 'are you kidding? photography? seriously'? I'm totally not. I probably am not really good at this, a very amateur moment-capturer, but once back then, I was really into camera and photos editing. like totally. I really fell in love with the idea of immortalizing the moment, the images which our eyes can't catch. moments we want to crystalize, to symbolize as the witness that we were ever there at those beautiful moments.. however, it's been long since I rolled into camera, and it'll be such a waste of your time to visit my lame old deviant art by clicking this. same old shit. anyway, I left my camera in Jkt and recently lust over a pocket one. let's save some money then... (crossing fingers for cents raining)



writing, movies, books, fashion, cooking, design, and so on, and so forth... hmmh passion.
images courtesy

"Doing what you like is freedom,

but liking what you do is happiness." -anonymous 

Roses Blanche

I just never realized how beautiful a white rose is before, until now.

A Coffee Taste

Now here it comes

You complain again

Complain about everything

It’s driving me mad

Now look at you

Wearing that shirt again

Dont you realize how ugly that thing is

But even so

I love you anyway

No matter how things have gone

You always have me

Mocca.

Counting On and On

I'm waiting.

waiting for someone I've been longing for along this year. He's coming back to Jakarta this afternoon and I can't wait to see him and have a serious talk about this. this, is something I can't deny, that there's something inside of me that keeps growing these few weeks.. something I haven't felt these couple of years. I start to feel changes all over me, even the littlest ones. how constantly the last thing I remember before I sleep and the first thing that show up in my mind after I wake up everyday is him. can't help not to mention his name in every conversation I have with people around me. things that automatically come up when I think of him. things I start to love about him. the way he makes me feel. the warmth  he brought to me when we're drowned in our conversations. Smiles I can't help to make every time I read his texts. the way way he closes my day by simply saying good night which sometimes could vanish my drowsiness and make me wide awake all night, but still, wake up next morning with a tummy full of butterflies. the way he calls my name. it's so funny how often he changes my nicks. his voice. his lovely voice which could make brain freeze for me when he calls my name. the way he talks. the way he laughs. the way he makes me laugh especially in phone calls. our midnite phone calls. our dawn phone calls. our all nite long phone calls. morning calls. all the phone calls. I could stay up until morning even though I had something to do in the morning just to hear his voice longer. the way he convinces me when I start not to believe in him. the look in his eyes. his smile. his style. his silly and annoying jokes. his perspective. his critical mind. his presence. him. 

I'm waiting for him.

I wrote this paragraph exactly a month ago. funny is, few hours after finishing this post, the character 'him' eventually took the big part of my life, just like that. boom. been a month, and it was very pleasant month, and I know that he and I still have other good months following up hopefully.
happy 4th day of the month. 

I’m 18 but I act 15

[ ] You know how to make a pot of coffee
[ ] You keep track of dates using a calendar
[ ] You own a credit card
[ ] You know how to change the oil in a car
[ x ] You’ve done your own laundry
[ x ] You can vote in an election
[ x ] You can cook for yourself
[ x ] You think politics are interesting
TOTAL SO FAR : 4
[ x ] You show up for school late a lot
[ ] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket
[ ] You’ve never gotten a detention
[ ] You have forgotten your own birthday
[ x ] You like to take walks by yourself
[ ] You know what credibility means, without looking it up
[ ] You drink caffeine at least once a week
TOTAL SO FAR: 6
[ x ] You know how to do the dishes
[ x ] You can count to 10 in another language
[ ] When you say you’re going to do something you do it
[ ] You can mow the lawn
[ ] You study even when you don’t have to
[ ] You have hand washed a car before
TOTAL SO FAR: 8
[ x ] You can spell experience, without looking it up
[ ] The people at Starbucks know you by name
[ ] Your favorite kind of food is take out
[ x ] You can go to the store without getting something you don’t need
[ ] You understand political jokes the first time they are said
[ ] You can type pretty quick
TOTAL SO FAR: 10
[ ] Your only friends are from your place of employment
[ ] You have been to a Tupperware party
[ ] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] You have more bills than you can pay
[ x ] You have been to the beach
[ x ] You use the internet every day
[ x ] You have travelled overseas for more than 5 times
[ x ] You make your bed in the morning
[ x ] You realised people of the opposite gender might just make better friends.
GRAND TOTAL: 15
Repost this with the subject as: I’m (how old you are) but I act (what you got on the test).

Exceptional

maybe today everything seems so perfect. too perfect that makes you want to hold every moments, crystalize them, put it into a jar and won't ever let it go. it eventually became a habit. so addictive. but then, the more we get higher, the bigger worries comes up. life... is a damn roller coaster. we'll never know to where the future will bring us....

"I don't want to make this so beautiful only at first, and end up miserably; you love me, then you don't.."
"we won't. we'll take this as we're building a home"
"are we drunk? because you know, somehow when you're drunk you have to get ready to get hangover"
"we're not drunk. I assure you. at least I'm not. I love you. let's build this home together"
"don't fade away, this feeling"
"it won't." 

....but as for this one, for the very first time, I want to believe that the future is ours.
this is an exception.

Meilleur Ami

what do you really get in your mind when hearing the words 'best friend'? first people that pop up in your mind must be your closest friends, at this moment. but here's the ugly truth. friends come and go.... even best friends do. as we grow older, we grow apart. our perspectives always change. communication doesn't work the way it used to be. meeting new cooler people. leaving old friends behind. total strangers become friends, while friends turn out to be strangers.. it brings a bunch of question marks to me. but somehow, the reason why friends come and go lies within the mysterious ways of how the whole world work together at the same time. and as mere human, we live to accept things that are brought to us, just like that. that's why.... to some irrational questions, we'll never find out the answers.

and yeah, friends. it's just me or it is true that people find it difficult to get a reliable friend nowadays? it's not about the sociality and so on, it's just a simple thought trying to define the real friendship. don't get me wrong. I have many wonderful and kind hearted friends all around me. it's just... as I've said before, another random thought. and anyway, without trying to sound too demanding here, to find friends and listen to their daily stories is easy, but to find friends who truly care enough just to listen to your grievances? it's totally another story. difficult, it is, but still difficult is not impossible. so, to those who already find best friends, what a precious, a priceless treasure you have.

kay I'm done blabbering. never mind craps I wrote above. my point is, I miss some friends of mine who used to be close to me. and in anyhow I couldn't find a way to reach some of them.. that's...just....sad. but  yeah, life goes on. people come and go, and no matter how cliche it is, that's just how the whole universe works together.

pour le moment, suffit de maintenir a ce moment. apprecier la vie et l'amour meilleurs amis..
c'est la vie. c'est la vie.

Mid Year Target

wish me tons of luck.
or
yeah
at least
a simple
good luck.
it would
mean
a lot
for
me.
:)

Special

recently, the 2011 version of me loves some new things. some things I'd directly refuse if you ask me to back in the 2010. Traveling around Jakarta on weekdays, biggie rings, culinary, staying up until dawn, Bruno Mars's songs, romance movies, cycling, phone calls on Skype, number 4, and him. wait...no, no 'him' couldn't be included. he's not just a thing anyway. for me now..... he represents more than just a thing. (oh crap. I'm so bad in making sweet words and this paragraph starts to sound cheesy haha sorry)

yupe. I'm now off the market. a new beginning, a new empty book to be filled in by new story of boy and girl. but for this one, I constantly wish that this won't be just another story. and also I hope he doesn't just count me as another number. it's special. because as for me, I never fought this far before just to be with someone. and yeah, I've found that to be with him is something I couldn't ask more.

I'm officially in love.

p.s: I know you gotta read this and you'll mock me after.. but you know what? I don't care. even I know that stuff I still finished this post for you. hehe
p.p.s: trust me.