Bitter

I thought I understood the idea of it, but fact that I can't stop questioning why only shows how  arrogant I was. no idea at all. in fact, life is no fantasy, no happy ending, no sweet coincidence. it is just pretty much about persisting in pain. how to stay fighting for the idea of happiness, how to stay sweet in the middle bitterness, how to stay alive in the middle of dead hearts. it is so funny. life's funny. I can tell how huge its sense of humor is. at some point, when I felt like I had everything I need, that I couldn't ask for more because I was so content, the lightning stroke and it was empty again. I was working against the gravity and then it pulled me down to the ground. I was standing on a solid ground, and then my ground collapsed. 


I really have no idea to where this wave will bring me. it might be another pain, or a happily ever after, or just another brief moment of relief. it can be everything, possibilities are infinite. but, at this very moment, I only feel bitter. 
my definition of life, is wasted.

these keep bugging my mind these days

1. how do we not see our limitation as an obstacle, a hurdle? since it does limit us to do everything. constraint, barrier function, things we cannot pass because of its feasibility. 
2. I really really really really really (-infinite really) want those things. so much I dare to say now I have things to die for. but damn it. bounded. this is the time when I feel like so little even my determination gets smaller and gone. I can't escape this jail.
3. now how can we work it out. the circles in the diagram venn of things I want to do and my capability of work are like.. never intersect each other.  if they were curves, they were like asymptote. if they were magnetic poles, they were like two of one-kind of poles. t
4. where the hell r u girl. 17 y/o me.
5. last, why do I always write when I should be studying for exams. guess I just looked for an excuse not to face the books :p but well, these things keep shadowing me. 

never mind. these all are just rhetorical questions. the answers perhaps still lie somewhere within my self.

so.... someday, somehow..

Tweeny Twenty

5th birthday of a twenty y/o girl.. weird. 

and weirdly it went weird and so so too.

Two Thousand and Twelve

there are so many things I wanna change. 

I got a new wish list on my new agenda of 2012.. which is written there at first so I don't forget to share it here.. but well. changed my mind right before making this post. prefer to keep it privately. it's like making a deal with yourself. an agreement, a contract to be fulfilled. Remember words by Cicero, a Roman philosopher, which has been modified over the ages?

"You are your own worst enemy."

changing your own habit, your perspective, your taste, your attitude, your nature, is like an endless war against yourself. easier said than done. 36 days after new year eve, nothing much has changed. for some people, in this case it refers to me, one of physics law works here, moment of inertia. the tendency to stay the same is just hard to ignore. and that's the enemy. every year, new year moment has been a turning point for most people. resolutions are made, hope grows, the fight for life is renewed. in fact, it's a new battlefield. a new war against your worst enemy. funny thing that if you win, both of you and your enemy win. and vice versa. 

so, hello, another year.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself,you will succumb in every battle”
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Monochromic

been a while that this page and my daily life is pretty much alike. black and white.

I guess a touch of more colors won't hurt anyone. but yeah, got zillion things to do for couple of weeks ahead which are gonna be uneasy weeks of brain destruction. limit by works and can't go anywhere near photoshop or else. here, me whining. it's just I've put up with the rainstorm a lot for a while.. and so fed up already. when will the rainbow finally show up?........................

anyway, after these crazy weeks pass. I plan on making this blog's new layouts and making my own tumblr themes. also Christmas project. cooking course. movies hunting. tv series marathon. taking random photos. etc. etc. 

just wanna put some more colors into my monochromic days.

while time is flying so fast.. whew. easy, tiger. easy.

ciao.

Coffee

La Vida

Coldplay lived at Glastonburry last June 2011. out of all the their staged performances I've watched on video, which are all terrific, this one is really remarkable. all I can see is that Chris Martin, Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman, Will Champion, and the crowd were really fused. the song, Viva La Vida, they really delivered it well. Life. viva 'life'. the energy, the vibes, the cheers. amazing.

goosebumps.

p.s.: one of the reasons why I love this song is bcs its meaning. 

it's about life. where my name means pretty much the same.
ah screw it, I love all of their songs.  love them.

Screw The Odds

the sight was gone, the direction suddenly disappeared
you are your own problem, you are your own solution
fate was inevitable, you knew it
your immortal mind, full with flightless thoughts
started to destruct you
the negativity ate you alive
but you still stood up though, with your knees trembling
had no grip, had no guide
so clueless yet you kept telling yourself

'everything is gonna be fine,

everything is gonna be fine,

everything is gonna be fine,

everything is gonna be fine'

over and over again
and things were pretty much indifferent
you hit your bottom
fell hard, bruises were everywhere
recovery was never easy for everyone
you just knew that this was your lowest point
you wanted to fly but you had no wings
you were a soul, but spiritless
wandering along darkness
trying to run away from the wretched distinctness
no one posses any close comprehension to what thoughts you'd collected

until out of the blue,
finally universe brought you to one point
slapped you hard,sharp, rite on your right cheek
left you hurtful poignant spot, and also,
an empty room deep in your chest
which filled by regrets, sadness, disappointments before
all the emotions you had hold yourself all this time
they finally flew to the land of nowhere
and you arrived to finish line, to stop running

'everything is gonna be fine,

everything is gonna be fine'

whatever happens, happens.
you are pretty much widely open to any consequences
to rebuild your nest, your home of soul
to domesticate your mind and find more reasons to keep moving forward
to start over, against all odds.

Happy List

what-makes-me-smile list:

• waking up and checking phone to find lover's morning text
• soft sunshine coming through the window
• finding money on jeans pockets
• ice cream on hot weather
• finished paperworks 
• friends' jokes
• fave songs being played on radio
• drizzle and umbrella
• lover's smile
• hunger comes when foods arrive
• being mentioned on twitter by special person
• not having meal alone
• tomorrow's Saturday
• hot chocolate on cold weather
• holding hands
• hot shower after a long day
• et cetera [continuos] 

berbagai macam jenis kebahagiaan. hal-hal kecil terkadang yang menjadi basis dalam makna hidup. mungkin hal-hal kecil yang membahagiakan justru menjadi penyeimbang segala masalah hidup. jadi seperti menyederhanakan hal-hal besar dan membuat hidup menjadi lebih sederhana. hal-hal kecil yang ditemui setiap hari yang selalu membuat tersenyum. sesederhana itu. membuat list dalam sehari bisa menjadi salah satu pengingat kebahagiaan dalam satu hari. mengingatnya saja entah mengapa sudah bisa membuat tersenyum.

bahagia itu sederhana.

Good Day

tried to learn doing typography few days ago. shadowing one of my portrait with this blog's header title,

click for bigger view

..and it ended up no as good as I expected.. so I came up with this gif. I thought typography is interesting to learn. but in this case, it failed me..

"in case I don't see ya, good afternoon,

good evening, good night"

-The Truman Show

S.O.S. Signal

aku tahu

aku bukanlah manusia yang pantas menjadi anakMu

aku berpakaian dosa, berselimut cela, hina

aku tak hiraukan perkataanMu

tinggi aku menilai diriku, superior

terlalu arogan untuk menoleh padaMu dan bersyukur

terlalu lelah untuk menyapaMu di hari-hariku

sepele, aku selalu berpikir

distraksi tidak bisa kuingkari

dunia memiliki semua perhatianku

lalu aku tenggelam 

aku lupa siapa sebenarnya diriku

aku tersesat dalam hiruk pikuk

dalam diam aku tertegun

menyalahkan semua hal

marah, aku merasa ditinggalkan

'dimana Engkau, wahai sang Maha Luar Biasa?

Kau bilang melalui firmanMu Kau akan selalu ada

sekarang aku disini

sendiri

sakit

dimana Engkau, Ayah Surgawi

mengapa Kau biarkan aku menderita

merasakan sakit seperti ini

aku meminta

mencari

mengetuk

tolong

tolong aku

aku tak mampu lagi

tak mampu lagi..

ambil saja aku ini, ambilah segala yang kupunya

mengapa Kau masih membiarkanku hidup dengan semua ini

HABISKAN AKU

ambil..ambil semuanya'

aku terus serukan padaMu

beberapa bulan purnama berlalu, 

aku tidak berhenti menyerukan hal yang sama padaMu

Kau pasti sudah bosan mendengar deru tangisku

seperti air hujan yang tidak berharga

aku pun akhirnya diam

diam aku, nafaspun tak ingin kuhembuskan

aku tahu

aku begitu cela Kau pun tak menghiraukanku 

aku sadar

aku yang meninggalkanMu

aku yang mecampakanMu

aku yang tidak mencariMu pertama

aku berlumur dosa

dan aku melihat sekitarku

berantakan, kapal pecah

Tuhan, betapa kotornya aku, betapa hinanya

lemah, tidak memiliki apa-apa

menyedihkan

masih layakkah aku Tuhan untuk berlutut menghadapMu

meminta

mencari

mengetuk

masih layak kah aku Tuhan untuk sekali lagi berseru padaMu

izinkan aku melakukan ini untuk mereka

untuk anak-anakMu yang begitu layak dicintai

keluarga, kekasih, dan teman-temanku

mereka yang terpaksa mencintaiku

biarkan mereka terlepas dariku

bahagiakan mereka

Tuhan 

Tolong 

Aku

tolong aku, hambaMu yang tidak berarti apa-apa ini

aku yang rusak, yang sakit, yang menyakiti, yang hina, bercela

penuh dosa seluruh hidupku

tolong aku Tuhan, 

tolong aku melewati semua ini, tolong aku bangkit, 

tolong berikan kekuatan padaku

Tuhan, tolong aku.

New Perspective to be Lived With

well, firstly, some people might find this post too arrogant, but I keep my best intention not to offend anyone.

I always love learning certain things that can be seen. real ones, rational ones. hating those lessons that so freaking imaginary, full of nonsense theories, confusing history, and those craps to be memorized. gah, hate 'em. hence, everytime people ask me, "what do you want to be?" I'd simply answer 'an engineer' since I was 12. I think I didn't even really know what engineers do that age. and frankly I have no drive to engineering. both of my parents are not engineers. they both majored in economics. so does my older sister. but it seems to me I can't be distracted anymore. so, engineering it is.

Getting into an institute of technology, I major Industrial Engineering (IE). my first year here was just the resume of what I've learnt in high school. so now that I'm in 2nd year, I just got into the real 'Industrial Engineering'. and bump. surprised. IE is not as true as I've always imagined about how my engineering major is supposed to be since I was a kid. while being absent in the beginning of the new term due to health issue, I was freaked out. questioning whether or not this is the right path for me. I got used to equations, theorems, problems with exact solving.. I thought social science is interesting, but it was not really my thing, I guessed at first..

Nine Strange Subjects

now I just passed mid-term tests, which forced me to learn the subjects all at once. and.. surprisingly -- in spite of lack of preparation for the tests bcs I was running out the time due to my absences -- those 9 subjects I was freaked out about at first turned out to be not really that bad.. getting to know this new world called Industrial Engineering makes me learn that IE is not really all about nonsense theories based on imaginary concept. and thank God I don't hate it as much as I thought before. It's all new for me, theorems, disciplines, systems, methods, skills.  it's still early, I know and there's still a lot more for me to learn. but as these passion grows, I'm willing to learn this new world.

IE is a bridge. IE balances the science, engineering, and social. IE includes human to the technology engineering. IE is integrator between engineering and social life in real system. IE is concerned about the design, installment, and improvement of people, materials, equipments, informations, and energy.
Industrial Engineering is my new perspective.

ain't it a good start? :)
*finger crossed*

Enough

last August turned out to be one hell of a month. it's like life is supposed to be ups and downs, but these months it was all about the 'downs'. both literal and metaphorical meanings. joyless. dark. sunshine is too busy to say hello. why? oh everyone knows. perhaps everyone, either friends on twitter or blackberry messenger, can't help but wondering why I'm sick again and again. I've been absent for a while. been hospitalized twice in a month and having bed rest for a month. I missed so many moments, opportunities, plans, holiday plans.. kept everyone bothered and in trouble.

they say 'after falling down, go up even higher', but that aint effin easy. I lose my grip. every values of life I always looked up to, things I used to like, courage I used to have, definition of life, they're all gone. I am not me. I lose my self. and can't be that person anymore. but I didn't lose my sanity, my mind, and my feelings. I'm not crazy so I need a physiologic consult. you don't get to judge me, my sickness, my mind, questioning my sanity. I'm not a freak who can freak out anytime. I'm lost. not confused. I just don't know what to do, what's next, where to go, how, and why. I lose my direction.

but people, people can't stop judging. even your closest people do. what hurts the most is, when they start to treat you based on their own judgments. without ever knowing what is going on. everyone has a problem. I knew that. I'm not stupid. but at some point, a little understanding would be nice. I'm not a robot. and if people want me to be one.. idk.

I had enough.

Random Thoughts

• here, not to mention my fckd-up heath condition recently.
• sometimes I could just sit on couch for hours, while chatting with special person, and letting my brain explore almost everything that come up to my mind.
• I want the world to stop rotating for a moment, so does the other space objects. so for a moment, time would stop.. and universe would let me enjoying brief moments I'd die into for living there.
• everyone, everyone, always tells me to do things. criticizing on my way to live live. it's like I always do the wrong things. I never go right. while everyone else is always right. making mistakes is my talent. well, yeah.. the last one is right, probably.
• I'm the most stubborn person I possibly ever know. sounds arrogant? that's just my subjective judgment.
• but, I'm sick. sick of people telling me to do things. sick of their worries. sick of making them worry. sick of people's unfair judgment. sick of being helpless. sick of this sickness..
• this is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life.
• I just have to find a way to deal with it.
• like real soon.

As If We Didn't Know It All

what we do in life, echoes in eternity. we are so quick to point fingers instead of listening. searching to be offended and wondering why, why everything is going downhill. but have we ever, just for a moment, remain distant from everyone and look everything from a bigger picture? and stop whining, start being thankful.

the silent echoes inside my head has given me a lot to think about all these times. a lot. but now, this is why I need time for myself alone. to think. to read. to write. to feel. the importance of being idle.