I always see uncertainty in life is something most people have to get along with on daily basis. like, in life, I can't be too sure about how things going to end up. in the general picture, everyone already knows how life is supposed to be. born. schools. works. married. giving births. parenting. getting old. and die. text book. little thing I know, those all general steps in life can be skipped except born and die. two most certain things in life behind all those uncertainties. inevitable steps every living human is going to take sooner or longer. the consequence of being born. death.
my uncle passed away last week. my mother's elder brother.
even though I was never close to him personally, he's one of our very close relatives so his death really brought something new to me. that slapped me hard. as I watched my mother crying on car after hearing the news, I couldn't help wondering how big the loss my mom felt then. it took my breath away and left me wordless so instead of saying something I only hugged her all the way home. not even my tough father saying a word until we reached home. for my parents who I always look up to as the toughest and strongest people to finally break down, that, pained me, words couldn't even begin to describe it.
but after the painful ride home, my parents went out again right away to send off my uncle in a small ceremony in the middle of the night. they didn't allow us, the kids, to go along with them, for us to get some rest. it's been a very long day and exhausted is a perfect adjective to describe how my family felt that day. at first my sister and I were against them going too because it's late and they're also tired. but then, something in my mother's way of telling us not to worry about them and have rest instead left a deep impression on me, leaving me and my sister no other choices except to obey it. the loss she felt that I maybe would never know. that night, in the middle of my confusion, sadness, and anxiety of this event, that exhaustion though, put help into me getting some sleep.
the next day I woke up late and found my mother was already home and going through her daily works at home like usual. I approached her expecting heartache seeing her in sadness just like yesterday, but no, no. I was wrong. she looked at me and offered me breakfast, just like usual. I smiled and took it anyway. confusing feelings and thoughts piling up in my mind as I finished my breakfast. wondering uncertainty. but one thing I was certain of what I felt that morning, relieved.
death and loss are still so distinct for me to figure. it pains me to see my mother's loss, but it also leaves me in awe to see how my mother handled that. that's something I could never understand. for both my mother and father had gotten greater loss to lose their respective parents, the fear, worry, and anxiety of facing the same things coming to get me into the corner for a while. but then, the moment I saw my mother smiling back and offering me food for breakfast, those messed up feelings were gone right away.
don't ask me why.
"the reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity- it's envy.
life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it,
a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can.
but life leaps over oblivion lightly,
losing only a thing or two of no importance
and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud."
-Martell, Yann. (Life of Pi)
