little randomness inspired from a conversation with friends.
***
"you know what?"
Words suddenly bursted out from my mouth before I began to realize saying it. Words, that had been occupying my mind since Sunday, pushed by my failed attempt to find any reconciliation towards this tangled stupid random thoughts of mine. I knew I'd regret this later. but I needed to utter these.
"what?" my friend, lying on her bed beside me, started to spare me a little attention without moving her eyes from her phone. she sounded a little sleepy already. but my mouth couldn't be stopped.
it was Monday night. time was already late. we were waiting for sleepiness to sing us lullaby, as I was lying on bed staring blankly on the ceiling.
"familiarity is what kills us."
silent.
it's like my friend knew I was pausing to arrange my complex thoughts into something somewhat more understandable, so she provided the silence as the reaction. and I went on.
"when you were in the 10th grade, high school, do you remember that little moment, that second you suddenly just realized everything? that you were already in freaking high school, something you always thought so damn mature further back in time? that you were trapped in complete strangeness you had no idea about it before? that you were already dealing with strange, unfamiliar, new and scary world? that strangeness? can you recall?"
I inhaled a gasp of air just to continue my speech.
"and when the realization became too overwhelming, you just can't bear to look up any further. the thoughts of future scared the hell out of you, to the point the only thing you were longing for was just to go back to your junior high school, hiding behind the curtain of things you already knew, leaning on to the little comfort zone you always had before, soaking your life back into the pool of familiar things."
"and why that kills?" she responded as she put her phone down and rolled to the side of her bed to get the full visualization of my wandering thoughts. I knew she began to wonder what is up with me. trying to define me and analyze my words.
"because we can't turn back the time. and time doesn't stop for anybody. that longing feeling only will only bring you to an endless misery where you end up feeling so powerless and intimidated by the power of time. that kills." I paused, again.
"I don't get it."
words started choking me. there were a rush of sentences popping out to get uttered stuck in my throat. I had to close my eyes for a glimpse of enlightenment before I began spilling it all out.
"all the familiar things you are dying to get back, are not going to bring you anywhere. they keep you stuck, in the same place, they don't let you have your present life to move forward. when you miss something, it is always about familiar things, right? that's how they are going to kill you, gradually, you don't even see it coming. blurring your vision ahead so the only direction you can see is your past. throwing you the comfort of known things so you don't have to deal with the so called adaptation. and when finally you turned your head back, everyone is already left ahead, leaving you alone in the sack of vain, until loneliness came killing you in agony.."
I concluded, "..see? familiarity is cruel."
darkness covered the emptiness between our room. I waited for her response and let my words get drowned to muffle the slight cold of the night.
"you were just saying it." she said, as she rolled back to the side of the wall, showing me her back. I knew she finished observing my mumblings and ready for the analysis.
"no, I meant everything." I defended.
my eyes were still on the ceilings but this time I finally knew I was back to earth and no longer floating on my own thoughts. I knew it. this was what I needed. a small different perspective to pull me back before I become lost. I already was, perhaps.
"you didn't. all the bluff you've been throwing just stated the fear you now have over familiarizing new things."
I turned to her now and looking at her back in protest. she had my full attention. it's like I know where she was going.
"intimacy issue, as we know it."
I snorted softly as she continued with her speech.
"since when did those random thoughts fill you in? I don't remember you were being afraid to strange new things. you used to be so excited about having new things coming up in your life."
"I still am," another disclaimer.
"no. I know what brought you into this. it's Sunday yesterday, right? you met him?"
"that's irrelevant."
or that's what I thought before, I guess..
I could hear she smirking against the wall. "you know what? to move forward, we only have 2 choices of way. to be pulled by the future or to be pushed by the past. either way, you're going forward. there's no option for moving back."
I knew. I already knew it. I once said that to her before. when I was still being myself. before I turned to someone I don't know. a stranger. unfamiliar stranger.
silence was back covering us. turning the ticking sound of the wall clock into the sound of thunder. so loud yet so far.
"anyway, as I am now talking half asleep already, you don't have to take my words personally. but sometimes, after things get familiarized, that is the very moment in which bring you the meaning of life, you know. isn't it worth a little risk of discomfort caused by changes pattern? everything is changing anyway. the very basic science fact I have to point out in middle of the night. now just go to sleep, let's discuss it tomorrow.." she scoffed quietly as she fell asleep.
and there I was. lying down on my bed looking at the ceiling, still. I knew I'd regret saying this to her. I hate it when I fail to define my self and have anyone right about it. perhaps like a, it's my freaking life for goodness sake, I'm the one who get through all the storms of my life, everyone else doesn't have the right to judge before standing on my feet and walk a hundred kilometer in it. it was upsetting. because I also knew. that she was right. like everybody else. it's kinda obvious and I was the only one who was blind to it. I knew I made a wrong choice multiple times. I knew everyone had already point the right way for me. and I knew that I need that kind of justify to keep my walk straight after storms.
I knew it all. I hate it.
-
that night, I walked off to a peaceful sleep without random images of past running through my dream. that was one of my best sleep after a while.
