they say you only need to stop and take few steps backwards to grab the whole view of what exactly you are doing exactly. and i did. i stopped. took a few steps backwards. only to find a blurry absurd, and for the lack of better adjective, messy view.
I don't even know what I'm doing. avoiding life, running away, blocking the whole world, depressing, falling, falling, and falling further. i don't even mind if all of those sounds self-destructive because maybe, maybe, i kinda deserve it.
it took me a long time to grasp a slight hold of the whole concept of real life. real life, where i am sick. sick all the time. is it even possible to be sick of being sick? it might be. this is perhaps what im going through every day. every night going to bed feeling anxious whether i will be sick or not this morning. or whether i'll be awake in the middle of night feeling sick. or every time going out feeling nervous about making a scene if my illness show up in public. or just being sick in general. at this point, it's not the pain that frightens me. physical pain, at least, i can stomach. i used to it anyway. what i can't stand is, how i worry everyone. disturb everyone. trouble everyone. and to see the disappointment in everyone's eyes, not being able to make any progress, to be a constant trouble.
it downright kills me.
(also to be honest it's kinda ironic and almost funny how i managed to put all my tangled strings of thoughts and emotions in one single mere paragraph because i thought id never figure how to put this mess in words, despite its pretty lack of accuracy, i don't think i can trust my self trying to pour all these suffocating feelings ive kept to myself for months (or years) again without beating myself up more. so lets go by with it, it's pretty much descriptive enough, more or less.)
im aware of the evident worry my family's eyes throw at me everytime. the unreturned calls and simple messages my friends almost tiredly send my way hoping to reach me. it doesn't help with the guilt, if not worse. because, well as it follows:
- im still sick
- not getting any better
- not going anywhere where my friends going all and about in life
- i should be out and about in life already as well in all actuality but look
- point 4 makes me a failure
- and a burden
- still not getting any better
- still sick
how am i gonna reach back and entertain them with those ideas without putting too much troubles, worry, sense of unnecessary feeling bad and responsible because well at the end of the day it's still all my faults not anyone's. it's the last thing i need, to face the closest people in my life without having the answers to their endless questions these couple of months and have them throwing all the pity party and whatnot, and worry, worry, just worry.
because truth be told, i indeed dont have the answers.
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if at some point, no, not if, when at some point they get tired and sick of me just like my self, i think, i think, i kinda deserve it.
