A Letter of Apology, For Beloved

Forward
You
A Space
Earth 

(to everyone, who cares, who's been supporting, who helps, who loves.)

I apologize. 

Yet again, I failed you for who knows how many times it's already been. I apologize for being a disappointment, because this time, I tried, I did try, and it was still not good enough. I didn't work hard enough, didn't stand strong enough, didn't run fast enough. It's so close, but it's too late. I didn't make it, no matter how fast I ran towards it this time, it was just still not enough. 

I apologize I still couldn't break the good news you've been waiting for, instead I had to bring another blow on top of what's been happening all these years. I don't even know on what ground I've been standing on all this time, I couldn't reach high enough to stop the unmet expectations from falling from the sky. 

I apologize for being a constant worry. For the first time in years, I tried to embrace all the loves given to me, and to actually prove myself worthy of them. I thought that's the only fuel needed for me to push through this time, but I wasted it. I'm not sorry for myself, I'm, sorry you have to waste them on me. 

I apologize you have to put up with me all this time because I don't deserve you. As a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a best friend, a friend, a team player, a thesis partner, a student, a lover, I'm not good enough.

I'm deeply regretting this and accepting 100% that this is my own fault and responsibility. Hate me, get mad at me, punish me. I'm trying, like you all always say, not to beat up myself too much, but it's not easy. I tried to stay unaffected, stay okay at least, but the mask is getting heavier. Because I'm not. I can't even forgive myself, how would I dare asking for your forgiveness?

Still however here I am collecting my remaining courage to brace the reality and apologize. I know I don't deserve this. But there's this voice inside my head telling me to ask you not to leave, even I, again, don't deserve you. Otherwise, I feel like I'm gonna lose myself again, like last year, 2 years ago, 3 years ago. And I don't want to, I really don't want to, so, please. Please, please, please. Please accept this apology from the deepest of my heart, hold my hands, still, and never let it go.

I'm sorry, I really am sorry. 

with love, that remains, worry, and regrets,
-V.