Progress Regardless

I think, I think,

I'm on my way to recovery. Just a little bit more.

A little bit more.

Absence of Finality

how many contradiction does it take to make one a hypocrite?

is it one enough? two? three?

albeit there seemed to be no definite measure of how many of contradiction it takes to call one a hypocrite, in most cases one is enough to put the label on someone. one. isnt that too cruel? because at the end of the day human contradicts themselves almost quite frequently. that's a calling of nature of change, in light of the only definite entity in science. people change their minds time and again, taking account into a process of thinking. its safe to say its only natural to be caught up into contradicting what we thought at some point in the past. does it make human a bunch of hypocrites?

that's what i tend to overlook at times.

what i tend to forget.

that there's no such thing as finality. i was way too naive so i believed in every words people say. i held onto every words people say, overanalyzed small phrases and sentences. not to mention we live in an era where people documenting every thoughts and conversations all across social networks and chatting messengers. making it easier to use what people say against them at some point. considering people say what they don't mean, like, 50% of the time. it's no brainer i got where i am right now then. got dragged around for clinging to what people said and believing things easily, gets things messier. had i known better, i probably wouldnt have ended up here. so please note: there's no such thing as finality in what people say, what people think about.

but im still gonna be frank here
and contradict myself

because, however, it's still no excuse, right?

even though contradiction is seen as usual behaviour, doesn't it feel wrong for people to blindly dismiss what others say and what others think? because naivety also involves a form of ignorance by deeming when one theory is right, others are simply wrong. just because there's a possibility of change, that doesn't cancel out the truth element in what people say. or think. so complicated as it sounds, to develop a more careful observation, isnt that the only choice left to work? like there should be a clear line between what deemed as right and wrong values, even in general. things that supposed to be a constant in the long run, not easily replaced, no matter how many times other thoughts change and contradict themselves over some period of times. it goes way above one minute moment of misunderstanding, pent up emotion, biased judgment, etc you name it. sounds tricky for mere acquaintances and strangers, but not as much for close people around. especially those you basically live with for whole your life. will it be wise to use it as a tool to assess information needed to make a presumption of others so i will dangit stop being so freaking naive?

that doesn't make everyone of us a hypocrite.
that doesn't make a simple contradiction turn people into hypocrites.


-


now to answer
what was the last thing i said that i dont mean anymore
idk. something along 'no needing help' or 'go away' perhaps. 

Raw & Bare

they say you only need to stop and take few steps backwards to grab the whole view of what exactly you are doing exactly. and i did. i stopped. took a few steps backwards. only to find a blurry absurd, and for the lack of better adjective, messy view.

I don't even know what I'm doing. avoiding life, running away, blocking the whole world, depressing, falling, falling, and falling further. i don't even mind if all of those sounds self-destructive because maybe, maybe, i kinda deserve it.

it took me a long time to grasp a slight hold of the whole concept of real life. real life, where i am sick. sick all the time. is it even possible to be sick of being sick? it might be. this is perhaps what im going through every day. every night going to bed feeling anxious whether i will be sick or not this morning. or whether i'll be awake in the middle of night feeling sick. or every time going out feeling nervous about making a scene if my illness show up in public. or just being sick in general. at this point, it's not the pain that frightens me. physical pain, at least, i can stomach. i used to it anyway. what i can't stand is, how i worry everyone. disturb everyone. trouble everyone. and to see the disappointment in everyone's eyes, not being able to make any progress, to be a constant trouble.

it downright kills me.

(also to be honest it's kinda ironic and almost funny how i managed to put all my tangled strings of thoughts and emotions in one single mere paragraph because i thought id never figure how to put this mess in words, despite its pretty lack of accuracy, i don't think i can trust my self trying to pour all these suffocating feelings ive kept to myself for months (or years) again without beating myself up more. so lets go by with it, it's pretty much descriptive enough, more or less.)

im aware of the evident worry my family's eyes throw at me everytime. the unreturned calls and simple messages my friends almost tiredly send my way hoping to reach me. it doesn't help with the guilt, if not worse. because, well as it follows:

1. im still sick
2. not getting any better
3. not going anywhere where my friends going all and about in life
4. i should be out and about in life already as well in all actuality but look
5. point 4 makes me a failure
6. and a burden
7. still not getting any better
8. still sick

how am i gonna reach back and entertain them with those ideas without putting too much troubles, worry, sense of unnecessary feeling bad and responsible because well at the end of the day it's still all my faults not anyone's.  it's the last thing i need, to face the closest people in my life without having the answers to their endless questions these couple of months and have them throwing all the pity party and whatnot, and worry, worry, just worry.

because truth be told, i indeed dont have the answers.


-


if at some point, no, not if, when at some point they get tired and sick of me just like my self, i think, i think, i kinda deserve it.

Quick Turn

happy new year 2015.

"The reason you can't step forward is the fear of losing the the way to step backward."

to put it simply, 2014 for me has been both a blessing and curse, I guess. sort of. I think I'm not even ready to tell what actually happened in details, not like I've figured it out. it's just kinda passed. everything. like days slipped through my fingers in the midst of blurry confusion and mess. I couldn't wait for the year to be over already.

now that it's over. what's next?





well, that's a good question.

Between Sunset and Sunrise

my nights mostly consist of a series of unspoken thoughts during the day
minds I just shrug off at sunshine, blown out of proportion under the moonlight
they multiply the brain cells to speak, magnify the sound of unconsciousness
it's loud,
I can't sleep

my days often consist of a parade of denials at any thoughts during the night
rejecting any negations, deluded in one single mindset
everything's okay, okay is enough
once it's too much it throttles
I can't breathe

Closed Off

the thing is,

i dont even know

how to handle guilt

that kills

explicably deep

for closest people around

like

to cause so much trouble

to fail to meet their expectations

to be a disappointment

or like

to be unable

to give something back

or to be useless

and burdensome

a constant pain

so i do the only one thing i know

push people away

so i wont burden them

or anyone

unless at all

that's only logical

right

It's That Time of The Year Again

They say, with end of the year approaching, come along gifts and goodies to hunt for. Who doesn't love end of the year shopping spree? Start from never-absent Christmas goodies, wish list of home decorators, gifts for beloved people, and (oh yass please) outfits to wear on Christmas events. For this year, family have decided on color theme. It's White Christmas. My sister came up with this — not original at all — idea. I was against it at first because it'd make us look like one of those catechumen kids — which on second thoughts I realized we look like nothing as young. Lol. So white it is.

                                                                          Home Decorators

Classic white has been part of end of the year family tradition despite the no-white-christmas-ever here. And aren't white ornaments so so pretty? Earlier this year I got my room painted in all white, got a new but classic white closet, white wooden vanity table, and white blinds for windows. It's kind of nice to have your room bright even with minimum lights. I'd love to make another post about my new bedroom later.

Look at these beautiful ornaments! The touch of gold in the middle of white doesn't ruin the whole softness theme right? Imo it breaks the fragile vibe within the white. AND those all are from IKEA. Since it's still recent that finally IKEA Indonesia has been opened, of course all these cute products I found from their catalogue. Still feel so unreal to know that all products in their website are now within reach. Plan to have a trip there by the end of the month.

Christmas Presents                                                                       

I've been meaning to give something special to closest people of mine. Little something that's not pricey, but could be a little priceless. Anyhow... ain't easy haha. So far I only stumbled upon handmade craftings for mother, my ipad for brother, a picture frame for father, and sample perfume for sister (so that she can buy the full size by herself haha). As for my friends, I might make bracelets.. or scrapbooks.. or just let them use my make ups for free. Gotta shop the store for little gift hunt by the beginning of December.

                                                                                           Outfits

These grande collections are the thoughts! 60s thick theme where you don't show your skin applies my rules to go to religious events. Not to mention the trapeze shape dresses fits the occasion very well. The Gucci one though is  the one to eye because the extra lovely twiggy details on chest, making me not able not to fall in love at first sight. Crossing fingers to find similar dresses in local store albeit the low chance since it's not everyday I run into store selling this kind of dresses.

F/W 2014 Collection L/R: Ralph Laurent, Gucci, Valentino 

F/W 2014 Collection by Nina Ricci

On another note, I also have an urge to find dresses with beautiful combination of velvet and lace since I had my eyes on Nina Ricci F/W 2014 collection. Aren't they beautiful? Imagine the perfect holiday celebration eve with close people in those dresses. This proves me that you can stay pretty yet warm at the same time in such tropical rainy weather. Well, if it indeed rains or else you'll end up slightly sweating.

Ralph Laurent F/W 2014

The color is a tough one. I find it hard to assemble these kinds of dresses into family's theme color. Since white seems too bright I decided to be a little rebel by wearing the ivory-grey color outfits instead of ones in white color. All this thought solely inspired by beautiful color mix in Ralph Laurent's F/W 2014. The plum shadow brought the grey alive, making the whole collection looked surreal — beautiful.

New Year                                                                                      

I'm so forgetful I used to write my plans (and homeworks) in agenda since I was in elementary school. Unfortunately the overwhelming works during uni made the agenda absent from my life. Been flying solo for the last 2 years. It's about time to actually get one! Been eyeing this beautiful planner collection by kikki.k, this gorgeous Leather Personal Planner: Stockholm. So beautiful yet very useful! I still can't decide between these two colors tho, the tan and the cloud. Both are gorges ugh.

Beside planner, I also stumbled upon this beautiful minimalist journal from the same webstore. Actually I could get similar book from local store, but this is just beautiful I couldn't resist hehe. Checked into my wish list for 2015!

                                                                                        MakeUp

My favorite part!! I especially have acquired a quite longer wish list in this department. Not sorry at all! Can't take my eyes off this year's limited & holiday edition of make up products in special & festive —did I mention wonderfully themes befitting— packagings!! Since so much holiday launching in blushers department I need to choose one — or two? blushers to add into collection. This is a little heartbreaking since all is in limited edition but for a junkie with budget like me I can only afford one.

Here we go! The first four of pic below are all blushers palette choices. I managed to squeeze the long list of blushers to 4 remaining choices thankfully. Heard all good things mentioned about these blushers all over the internet. People — as in my sister — might ask why do you need a palette for blushers. One of the reason is I'm still a rookie and I need to research more for the best result I might get. Furthermore, the palette comes handy in price. We get more products with usual price for single ones. That makes 2 pros. It's super gorgeous! makes 3 already. and still no con.

1. Hourglass Ambient Lighting Blush Palette (LE)

2. NARS Virtual Domination Cheeck Palette (LE)

3. Tarte Pin Up Girl Amazonian Clay 12-Hour Blush Palette (LE)

4. Benefit Cheeky Sweet Spot Box O' Blushes (LE)

5. Guerlain Meteorites Perles d'Etoiles Illuminating Pearls

6. ZOEVA Rose Golden Luxury Set

7. SK-II Face Treatment Essence

8. Burberry Lip Velvet - Antique Pink No. 303

The four latter on the list are those that comes number 2 in priority. But still so burning to get my hands into these beautiful stuffs. I can't stretch enough how important good skin care is for our skin. I'd rather spend my money investing in skin care regime than makeup actually. And the brushes? It's an investment in a very long term. When you buy you makeup, it'll be expired or gone, but brushes stay for a long time. So I guess investing my money in brushes with good quality — and beautiful too — is not that sinful hehehe..

—

so that's it. a very long list to shop this end of the year. the most wonderful time of the year. Hopefully 2014 will end well!

Before Sleep

sometimes, happiness is all you have
some other time, it is just sadness
but do you know?
none of these will last

so do not get your hopes up too high
but do not lose them either.



night night.
(bdg, 23:58)

When in Doubt

these are actually some snaps of my conversation with friends recently.

~

"Whatever it is, if it's gonna happen, it happens eventually. If it's not, it won't happen ever." 

"Like, really, listen carefully. He has, always has, a very much better plan than what you have now in mind. You see, 2 years ago, you barely had a hold of your self, you were tripping here and there and stuttering each words that came out of your mouth. See where you are now. See around. Your family, your friends. See precious little things in life that worth fighting for. Have you ever been really grateful for what you have now? Do you still have the heart to deny His Grace?"

"Trust His plan. Surrender your life to His Hands. Nothing's going wrong from this direction. Just trust Him."

La Vie

I miss writing. tons of drafts ended up not being posted because reasons.

so how's life?

what are you doing today. 

what did you do yesterday, last week, last month, last year. 

and what will you do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

is it worth it?

Auld Lang Syne

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

:)

Good bye Summer

September is around the corner already, which means 7th semester is gearing to start. Having days off since may 20ish that made my summer break was exactly 3 months long. it is long.. and I can't recall day by day how it's spent, but overall, it's spent well I guess.

let's not fear this upcoming last year of college and try to embrace it with... um.. hmm, smile? eh.