(Another) Talk About Love

relationships get messy sometimes.
when people say 'you cant help who you fall in love with' I always find my self subconsciously snorting quietly to the speaker –more often than not indirectly because you know living in the internet era and 'people saying' is more like 'people writing'– and most of the time I let my self to add an eyes-rolling or two evidently to advertise my refusal to acknowledge the argument. like, honestly? to me that statement sounds like a classic overly-romantic-fiction induced cliché to use as an excuse we tell each other when we fall in love with someone. so that we can freely fall in love with anyone without holding any responsibility towards whoever they are. sort of a way to rid the guilt away once the situation gets uncontrollably messed up (which is most of the time).

relationships do fail at times, everyone knows this. chances are small for two people to meet and right away suit each other perfectly and be soulmate. it's not impossible, but really, how often do you stumble upon such fairytale-like story of two people? relationships get messy, at worst it wont work. that's how life works. heartbreaking as it is, when or if it happens, you do need some kind of excuse to pick yourself up and start all over again. putting blames on others and make yourself feel better, alright. so you use it, quote unquote 'you cant help who you fall in love with'. ta-da. you feel a lot better.

here's a twist, actually YOU CAN.



of course you can help who you fall in love with. 
falling in love is not something that happens in three seconds – note that i'm no expert, but here we go my very best attempt to grasp 'love' by its definition – it is a string of encounters and engagements. a process of getting to know each other better. people don't meet others and claim to love them in a short period of time. to love requires more than a mere desire, it is no ideal type and preference. it involves a whole other level of complicated emotions and feelings logic fails to approach. isnt it getting heavier to said 'i love you' out loud as we get older? as if the more we learn about being in and out of love, the more we value those words carefully in order not to hurt others and get hurt in return. it calls for vulnerability, to willingly let each other's selves exposed. falling in love charges within time and efforts.

nonetheless, like everything else, love begins with something. like inexplicable chemistry-induced fascination, odd sudden interest that tickles your curiosity, baffling gravitation pulling towards you into this certain someone, attraction. love begins with simply attraction. people attract and get attracted to each other. unlike love, attraction works in much simpler ways. it's no complicated, no extra baggage tagged along, and easy. you get to feel it to several people with no strings attached. it's common, and human. the best thing is, you get to decide into what kind of emotion this simple attraction grow into. is this going to be only a crush? a mere infatuation? or you're willing to put effort to let love blossom from this? it's your say. it's your choice.

so we get to choose who we fall in love with attraction. it's attraction that we can't help having towards. we cannot choose the object of our attraction and that happens naturally multiple times. it's one of the constant occurrences throughout the life. Part of human nature to attract and vice versa.

and love is not a mere attraction, it's the next level. it's affection. and attraction doesn't go to affection with mere seconds. we get attracted in short period. but to fall in love we need to let the affection grow. it takes longer. it is by chance. it is by efforts.

so yes, we can help and do have a say with who we fall in love with.


that's the idea.

and that's easy to say. but that's one concept of love i hold dear currently, while i'm in a crazy twenty-something-lady hunt of love. trust me, it's a crazy world out here for single ladies. all those sorts of thought though, does not come out of the blue in one day. it's quite a train of bad and good experiences coming alternately. sure I was once part of the love-whoever-you-want team in spirit of carpe diem, seize your day, or well the infamous YOLO. nothing sorts of amuse me more than seeing two people around me falling in love and all the magic all over them. drunk with the concept of falling in love itself. it led me to a tendency of romanticizing almost everything. got myself in and out relationship quite a handful times, not something im proud of. 

and then, at some point, reality bit me. it bit me hard i turned from a romantic into this skeptical person with trust issue. but this is the part of the lesson i picked up the hard way throughout my coming of age years – that relationships dont always work. it's not anyone's faults, but make sure you pick up the lessons well. now i know to be in a relationship is not all rainbow and candy. it's easy for people in relationships to hurt each other. it's easy to leave one another. like for example, using the excuse of you cant help who you fall in love with' when the so called 'love' fade, or you might find someone more attractive? attraction happens all the time, but isnt it your choice to decide what youre gonna do with that? i might be one of those people who really dont appreciate infidelity at any level. I kinda feel this deep, inexplicable bitterness in every sense of it, which I don't even know which one is worse, be it intentionally, unintentionally, physically, mentally, or emotionally, it's all cheating. none makes the pain hurt any less for any receiving ends. any. it is one of the worst yet easiest form of betrayal a human can do. easiest because we do it to our closest people. worst because we do it to our closest people.

oh well, i rant. but still, my point is, ‘you cant help who you fall in love with‘? oh please stop with the excuse, you can. choose one of many you're attracted to and go with it.

“to fall in love is not by choice, it is by chance.  

    to fall out of love is not by chance, it is by choice.“

                  

so if you already have someone you're in love with who fits you right, it's your choice whether to stay in love or to fall out of it. it's not gonna be a small work, but trust me, it's probably gonna be the most rewarding work in your life.

/p.s:
in the picture above is this temporary tattoo i put on my ankle 2 days ago. indeed the best is yet to come or let me put this way, ehm, it's on the way.
/p.p.s:
it's not only about love tho.

The Dress

remember about the dress back in last February?

it doesn't really matter in which team you were
the thing is,
isn't it rather eye-opening
that one thing we deem so objective as color interpretation
is really not that objective at all?

like, what about the other things we deem as objective?
is there always a room for diversity of opinions in everything?

or rather
there is no such thing as 'objectivity' in actuality
that everything can't be interpreted in uniform
that perspective is like opinion, to each their own
that maybe,
maybe,
like beauty,
everything we see is in the eye of the beholder as well.

Venus

21 April! A female movement day for us Indonesians. A day when we're all free to talk and raise awareness about sex gender equality, especially for women. A very respected Indonesian heroine figure, Raden Ajeng Kartini was born on this day, so Indonesians refer to this day as Kartini day. What did she do? Long story short, the so messed-up education system in Indonesia decades ago which forbade women to go to school, was changed due to Kartini's role in unwavering and persistent acts against such unfair education system. It might seems insignificant but in all actuality, education holds the biggest role for human to be fully functional in society, it's the root to live your life. Note that with no advance technology supporting decades ago, there's no easy access to knowledge except from school. While men went to school getting smarter, women stayed home getting dumber. While getting labeled as 'stupid' affects a person's life as a whole, how about a big portion of female population did? What did it change? The way women were treated? The men's perspective of women? This whole thing led us to bigger issues that still exist years after, sexism. or even worse, misogyny.

Two days ago I experienced my self the 'honor' to witness such issues practiced at my own working environment. I was in charge of observing my company's production line this week so I stayed at my company's factory. Little background story, I work at a very prestigious brand of car and was located in one of their biggest factory. They produce a lot less than most of car companies do but that doesn't change the fact that the numerous production lines they have are still huge and well, sophisticated. While observing, I also had small talk with the operators assigned at each of the workstations. Mind you, the 'operator' function I mentioned might sound impressive but they are what the other developed countries refer as labor. Most of them are high school graduates (if lucky, some are even junior high or elementary school graduates) which is not abnormal in 200 millions population of developing country. They were recruited by some basic assessment and trained by company to expertise on.. well car stuffs. Basically a mechanic or a repair, with a paycheck of labor.

There were two working operators at the workstation I observed. One was a married man in the middle of 30s, thin, tall, and full of smile. He greeted me first when we met that morning, and quite talkative. He joked and laughed a lot, but still did his works diligently. The other guy was a twenty something single man. Unlike the first one, this guy was not too thin, built even, average-height, and didn't look too friendly. He didn't talk much when we introduced each other, didn't really smile a lot. But then he worked hard and fast. This kinda intrigued me a little though, since it's not everyday I met this kind of worker. Most of them are like the first one, friendly, playful, very open while talking to me. And since my work also required me to videotape them while working, I decided to focus on videotaping this second guy and followed him around the workstation.

40 minutes into filming, one of my colleagues, a male, visited the workstation I was at. My colleague said hi to the older operator first, then walked towards me and the younger operator. This younger operator turned out to be friend with this colleague of mine. Upon seeing my colleague, the young operator immediately teased him.

"Man, where have you been," he stood up, "You let a girl alone to do the work. So rude of you."

I was not sure where he was going with that statement so I, as the subject in talk, while videotaping the whole conversation, tried to make the situation not awkward by laughing it off. I didn't even find anything remotely funny with that but yeah ok.

My colleague followed my suit before muttering, "it's okay, you know. It's an era of gender equality and stuff."

The operator shook his head,"Nah. They are two different things," he glanced at the older operator who still worked at stuff nearby, "Isn't it so rude of him?"

The older operator and my colleague just laughed at him while I was still pretty confused about where this conversation was going. Was he being a gentleman who's really considerate of women's being or was he just being a tease to my colleague by objectifying women... I was really not sure.

Well, not until his next statement that my confusion was gone.

"So you want to be equal with women?" He shot back at my colleague, "I don't even want to think about it."

Dang. This is it, I thought. So this is where he's going. 

"Well, I guess I have no problem with it," said my colleague.

The young operator continued, "If we're equal with women, then they'll tell us off to wash the dishes, take care of the children, ugh." He even laughed. Laughed.

Like, seriously. What the hell was that? What was he trying to imply? Blatant sexism? Downgrading women's right? I hope no one noticed but I almost certainly could feel my eyes about to pop out hearing what he just said. I managed to school my face into my default smiley expression throughout though.

After that he went on and on about how women's roles were supposed to be done only by women, because in his defense women simply take things for granted. Like, he literally said, quote unquote, if equality of genders were to be well-established, men would end up bearing children and giving birth to them. Okay what? This really left my jaw hanging in all actuality. I stopped giving the man the benefit of doubts and judged him really hard for what he just said.

He didn't stop though. He even went on and challenged my colleague who stopped responding his –super– silly dumb arguments.

"What? Can't you counter my arguments back? I am right, arent I?"

I stopped smiling by this point and just wait for my colleague to answer. He didn't.

The operator went on, "How could a high school graduate beat a graduate student in this debate?"

Well, that's it. If it wasn't for me remembering my position at the company, I'd probably have kicked his sexist ass hard. I stopped my camera immediately and left without any single words shared.

The whole conversation kept rolling in my mind for the rest of the day. It's a pity, you know to realize how real and deep-root this issue exists in our society. I thought and thought hard about what I could do for real to handle this, to let the operator know his mistakes in genders' role concept. It's useless to just tell the operator off without any real education about humanity. Right now, I acknowledge my very limited strength and I have no power over that. This whole thing was really upsetting, how I'm so powerless to fight this unfair discrimination.

But on this Kartini day, again I got reminded that I'm not a lone fighter. My timelines of social media were full of women appreciation thoughts and words. It's a good thing. I got my confidence back. Someday, maybe, someday, when I'm already in a better place, I'd do something about this.


I will.

“Habis gelap, terbitlah terang.“

March and Twenty Three

There's no better way to kick of start of my 23rd year of life than by having loved people around.

after all, how can you run from what's inside you?

Progress Regardless

I think, I think,

I'm on my way to recovery. Just a little bit more.

A little bit more.

Absence of Finality

how many contradiction does it take to make one a hypocrite?

is it one enough? two? three?

albeit there seemed to be no definite measure of how many of contradiction it takes to call one a hypocrite, in most cases one is enough to put the label on someone. one. isnt that too cruel? because at the end of the day human contradicts themselves almost quite frequently. that's a calling of nature of change, in light of the only definite entity in science. people change their minds time and again, taking account into a process of thinking. its safe to say its only natural to be caught up into contradicting what we thought at some point in the past. does it make human a bunch of hypocrites?

that's what i tend to overlook at times.

what i tend to forget.

that there's no such thing as finality. i was way too naive so i believed in every words people say. i held onto every words people say, overanalyzed small phrases and sentences. not to mention we live in an era where people documenting every thoughts and conversations all across social networks and chatting messengers. making it easier to use what people say against them at some point. considering people say what they don't mean, like, 50% of the time. it's no brainer i got where i am right now then. got dragged around for clinging to what people said and believing things easily, gets things messier. had i known better, i probably wouldnt have ended up here. so please note: there's no such thing as finality in what people say, what people think about.

but im still gonna be frank here
and contradict myself

because, however, it's still no excuse, right?

even though contradiction is seen as usual behaviour, doesn't it feel wrong for people to blindly dismiss what others say and what others think? because naivety also involves a form of ignorance by deeming when one theory is right, others are simply wrong. just because there's a possibility of change, that doesn't cancel out the truth element in what people say. or think. so complicated as it sounds, to develop a more careful observation, isnt that the only choice left to work? like there should be a clear line between what deemed as right and wrong values, even in general. things that supposed to be a constant in the long run, not easily replaced, no matter how many times other thoughts change and contradict themselves over some period of times. it goes way above one minute moment of misunderstanding, pent up emotion, biased judgment, etc you name it. sounds tricky for mere acquaintances and strangers, but not as much for close people around. especially those you basically live with for whole your life. will it be wise to use it as a tool to assess information needed to make a presumption of others so i will dangit stop being so freaking naive?

that doesn't make everyone of us a hypocrite.
that doesn't make a simple contradiction turn people into hypocrites.


-


now to answer
what was the last thing i said that i dont mean anymore
idk. something along 'no needing help' or 'go away' perhaps. 

Raw & Bare

they say you only need to stop and take few steps backwards to grab the whole view of what exactly you are doing exactly. and i did. i stopped. took a few steps backwards. only to find a blurry absurd, and for the lack of better adjective, messy view.

I don't even know what I'm doing. avoiding life, running away, blocking the whole world, depressing, falling, falling, and falling further. i don't even mind if all of those sounds self-destructive because maybe, maybe, i kinda deserve it.

it took me a long time to grasp a slight hold of the whole concept of real life. real life, where i am sick. sick all the time. is it even possible to be sick of being sick? it might be. this is perhaps what im going through every day. every night going to bed feeling anxious whether i will be sick or not this morning. or whether i'll be awake in the middle of night feeling sick. or every time going out feeling nervous about making a scene if my illness show up in public. or just being sick in general. at this point, it's not the pain that frightens me. physical pain, at least, i can stomach. i used to it anyway. what i can't stand is, how i worry everyone. disturb everyone. trouble everyone. and to see the disappointment in everyone's eyes, not being able to make any progress, to be a constant trouble.

it downright kills me.

(also to be honest it's kinda ironic and almost funny how i managed to put all my tangled strings of thoughts and emotions in one single mere paragraph because i thought id never figure how to put this mess in words, despite its pretty lack of accuracy, i don't think i can trust my self trying to pour all these suffocating feelings ive kept to myself for months (or years) again without beating myself up more. so lets go by with it, it's pretty much descriptive enough, more or less.)

im aware of the evident worry my family's eyes throw at me everytime. the unreturned calls and simple messages my friends almost tiredly send my way hoping to reach me. it doesn't help with the guilt, if not worse. because, well as it follows:

1. im still sick
2. not getting any better
3. not going anywhere where my friends going all and about in life
4. i should be out and about in life already as well in all actuality but look
5. point 4 makes me a failure
6. and a burden
7. still not getting any better
8. still sick

how am i gonna reach back and entertain them with those ideas without putting too much troubles, worry, sense of unnecessary feeling bad and responsible because well at the end of the day it's still all my faults not anyone's.  it's the last thing i need, to face the closest people in my life without having the answers to their endless questions these couple of months and have them throwing all the pity party and whatnot, and worry, worry, just worry.

because truth be told, i indeed dont have the answers.


-


if at some point, no, not if, when at some point they get tired and sick of me just like my self, i think, i think, i kinda deserve it.

Quick Turn

happy new year 2015.

"The reason you can't step forward is the fear of losing the the way to step backward."

to put it simply, 2014 for me has been both a blessing and curse, I guess. sort of. I think I'm not even ready to tell what actually happened in details, not like I've figured it out. it's just kinda passed. everything. like days slipped through my fingers in the midst of blurry confusion and mess. I couldn't wait for the year to be over already.

now that it's over. what's next?





well, that's a good question.

Between Sunset and Sunrise

my nights mostly consist of a series of unspoken thoughts during the day
minds I just shrug off at sunshine, blown out of proportion under the moonlight
they multiply the brain cells to speak, magnify the sound of unconsciousness
it's loud,
I can't sleep

my days often consist of a parade of denials at any thoughts during the night
rejecting any negations, deluded in one single mindset
everything's okay, okay is enough
once it's too much it throttles
I can't breathe

Closed Off

the thing is,

i dont even know

how to handle guilt

that kills

explicably deep

for closest people around

like

to cause so much trouble

to fail to meet their expectations

to be a disappointment

or like

to be unable

to give something back

or to be useless

and burdensome

a constant pain

so i do the only one thing i know

push people away

so i wont burden them

or anyone

unless at all

that's only logical

right

It's That Time of The Year Again

They say, with end of the year approaching, come along gifts and goodies to hunt for. Who doesn't love end of the year shopping spree? Start from never-absent Christmas goodies, wish list of home decorators, gifts for beloved people, and (oh yass please) outfits to wear on Christmas events. For this year, family have decided on color theme. It's White Christmas. My sister came up with this — not original at all — idea. I was against it at first because it'd make us look like one of those catechumen kids — which on second thoughts I realized we look like nothing as young. Lol. So white it is.

                                                                          Home Decorators

Classic white has been part of end of the year family tradition despite the no-white-christmas-ever here. And aren't white ornaments so so pretty? Earlier this year I got my room painted in all white, got a new but classic white closet, white wooden vanity table, and white blinds for windows. It's kind of nice to have your room bright even with minimum lights. I'd love to make another post about my new bedroom later.

Look at these beautiful ornaments! The touch of gold in the middle of white doesn't ruin the whole softness theme right? Imo it breaks the fragile vibe within the white. AND those all are from IKEA. Since it's still recent that finally IKEA Indonesia has been opened, of course all these cute products I found from their catalogue. Still feel so unreal to know that all products in their website are now within reach. Plan to have a trip there by the end of the month.

Christmas Presents                                                                       

I've been meaning to give something special to closest people of mine. Little something that's not pricey, but could be a little priceless. Anyhow... ain't easy haha. So far I only stumbled upon handmade craftings for mother, my ipad for brother, a picture frame for father, and sample perfume for sister (so that she can buy the full size by herself haha). As for my friends, I might make bracelets.. or scrapbooks.. or just let them use my make ups for free. Gotta shop the store for little gift hunt by the beginning of December.

                                                                                           Outfits

These grande collections are the thoughts! 60s thick theme where you don't show your skin applies my rules to go to religious events. Not to mention the trapeze shape dresses fits the occasion very well. The Gucci one though is  the one to eye because the extra lovely twiggy details on chest, making me not able not to fall in love at first sight. Crossing fingers to find similar dresses in local store albeit the low chance since it's not everyday I run into store selling this kind of dresses.

F/W 2014 Collection L/R: Ralph Laurent, Gucci, Valentino 

F/W 2014 Collection by Nina Ricci

On another note, I also have an urge to find dresses with beautiful combination of velvet and lace since I had my eyes on Nina Ricci F/W 2014 collection. Aren't they beautiful? Imagine the perfect holiday celebration eve with close people in those dresses. This proves me that you can stay pretty yet warm at the same time in such tropical rainy weather. Well, if it indeed rains or else you'll end up slightly sweating.

Ralph Laurent F/W 2014

The color is a tough one. I find it hard to assemble these kinds of dresses into family's theme color. Since white seems too bright I decided to be a little rebel by wearing the ivory-grey color outfits instead of ones in white color. All this thought solely inspired by beautiful color mix in Ralph Laurent's F/W 2014. The plum shadow brought the grey alive, making the whole collection looked surreal — beautiful.

New Year                                                                                      

I'm so forgetful I used to write my plans (and homeworks) in agenda since I was in elementary school. Unfortunately the overwhelming works during uni made the agenda absent from my life. Been flying solo for the last 2 years. It's about time to actually get one! Been eyeing this beautiful planner collection by kikki.k, this gorgeous Leather Personal Planner: Stockholm. So beautiful yet very useful! I still can't decide between these two colors tho, the tan and the cloud. Both are gorges ugh.

Beside planner, I also stumbled upon this beautiful minimalist journal from the same webstore. Actually I could get similar book from local store, but this is just beautiful I couldn't resist hehe. Checked into my wish list for 2015!

                                                                                        MakeUp

My favorite part!! I especially have acquired a quite longer wish list in this department. Not sorry at all! Can't take my eyes off this year's limited & holiday edition of make up products in special & festive —did I mention wonderfully themes befitting— packagings!! Since so much holiday launching in blushers department I need to choose one — or two? blushers to add into collection. This is a little heartbreaking since all is in limited edition but for a junkie with budget like me I can only afford one.

Here we go! The first four of pic below are all blushers palette choices. I managed to squeeze the long list of blushers to 4 remaining choices thankfully. Heard all good things mentioned about these blushers all over the internet. People — as in my sister — might ask why do you need a palette for blushers. One of the reason is I'm still a rookie and I need to research more for the best result I might get. Furthermore, the palette comes handy in price. We get more products with usual price for single ones. That makes 2 pros. It's super gorgeous! makes 3 already. and still no con.

1. Hourglass Ambient Lighting Blush Palette (LE)

2. NARS Virtual Domination Cheeck Palette (LE)

3. Tarte Pin Up Girl Amazonian Clay 12-Hour Blush Palette (LE)

4. Benefit Cheeky Sweet Spot Box O' Blushes (LE)

5. Guerlain Meteorites Perles d'Etoiles Illuminating Pearls

6. ZOEVA Rose Golden Luxury Set

7. SK-II Face Treatment Essence

8. Burberry Lip Velvet - Antique Pink No. 303

The four latter on the list are those that comes number 2 in priority. But still so burning to get my hands into these beautiful stuffs. I can't stretch enough how important good skin care is for our skin. I'd rather spend my money investing in skin care regime than makeup actually. And the brushes? It's an investment in a very long term. When you buy you makeup, it'll be expired or gone, but brushes stay for a long time. So I guess investing my money in brushes with good quality — and beautiful too — is not that sinful hehehe..

—

so that's it. a very long list to shop this end of the year. the most wonderful time of the year. Hopefully 2014 will end well!

Before Sleep

sometimes, happiness is all you have
some other time, it is just sadness
but do you know?
none of these will last

so do not get your hopes up too high
but do not lose them either.



night night.
(bdg, 23:58)

When in Doubt

these are actually some snaps of my conversation with friends recently.

~

"Whatever it is, if it's gonna happen, it happens eventually. If it's not, it won't happen ever." 

"Like, really, listen carefully. He has, always has, a very much better plan than what you have now in mind. You see, 2 years ago, you barely had a hold of your self, you were tripping here and there and stuttering each words that came out of your mouth. See where you are now. See around. Your family, your friends. See precious little things in life that worth fighting for. Have you ever been really grateful for what you have now? Do you still have the heart to deny His Grace?"

"Trust His plan. Surrender your life to His Hands. Nothing's going wrong from this direction. Just trust Him."

La Vie

I miss writing. tons of drafts ended up not being posted because reasons.

so how's life?

what are you doing today. 

what did you do yesterday, last week, last month, last year. 

and what will you do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

is it worth it?

Auld Lang Syne

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

:)