Strange

little randomness inspired from a conversation with friends.

Hi Legal Age

as people age, I always think most of the definitions we hold change as well.

well.. there's no such thing as an absolute definition to begin with. so yeah, it changes through the time. the definitions you held onto so tight last year, could be just a handful of nonsense by now. and yea, now as I age, most of my definitions have changed. trust me, it doesn't change unstably just like that, I have price to pay. so now I guess when making a decision, going thru every consequences is probably the essence of thinking the whole idea of it. definition of consequence is not so simple as I know it. so many value been added and things just got more and more complicated. I'm not liking this new definition, but I definitely can't go change it back either. kinda still get caught back and forth between this whole definition-changing idea.

by this age, I can see changes of definition everyone made through their decisions and perspectives. people at my age, are young adults, who are just now given wider opportunities we used to avoid as a bunch of children. we're not called teenagers or children again by reasons. society expects something from us in return. responsibility. its definition changed from just mere words of 'oops sorry not again' to 'okay I'm the biggest idiot on earth- now I should do hell to pay back- oh my, people hating me- i freaking acknowledge my mistakes and work on it- please shut up- karma, you're an asshle'

.
..
...
...yeah that lame

so being an adult sucks. this getting-caught-back-and-forth on changes of definition soooo irritates me. maybe that's why it takes two for each individual to get through life. that way, all the baggages on your shoulder are shared and it'd be much lighter.

however, that doesn't stop me turning older. and despite the changes-of-definition phase I'm going through, everything has been going better than I had expected. to this day, I always am thankful for the blessing in my life. even though sometimes it hides in the corner of my blind spot, there's always a way to figure it out by the helps of other blessings in my life.. aw. I'm feeling better already.

21, huh? surprise me.

pics from my birthday week:

Silver Lining

so.. I just finished watching one of the Oscar nominees for best motion picture, which is a list I always turn into a reference for must-watch films, and unusually feeling very good after watching it. you know, Oscar Nominees usually tend to be good in a good-artsy-heavy-deep-boring-ugly-truth way, but this film happens to be one of those rare cases to my taste, and I just have to add it to my all time favorite movies list even though I just watched it for the first time.

"every cloud has a silver lining"

that's one of my favorite idiom. you know, kinda the saying that people hold on to wipe the tears and get back on their feet every time things fall down, as 'blessing in disguise', 'carpe diem' and so forth do. I always fond of that positivity those sentences have anyway. that means that in every bad situation there is an element of good. just as fit as a common metaphor for optimism. and a movie with this idiom on the title? been dying to watch it on the big screen.

for the first half of the film I thought "oh, another movie about insane people keeping sane life." but then just like that, I got drawn into the films more and more. started to live through the characters' life, met their perspectives, acknowledged the plot more but still got surprised by the twist, and all of sudden, viola, it ends. like what? that was it but it was like the best movie I've seen in like a year. plot, pictures, acting, dances. don't get me start with Bradley Cooper. I get how Lawrance brought the Oscar home, but what happened to Cooper's insanely brilliant job? he definitely deserves it (with all due respect to the winner)

words in words, that's simply a good film I even have to make a post about it. it's been like years for me to see a good one. they said insane people don't get the happy endings, but the fact is, everyone has the craziness inside them. maybe everyone does really deserve a happy ending? who knows. all we can do is reading the signs. finding a silver lining in every cloud to keep the sanity. Excelsior, which Cooper's character said, it means to take all the negativity and use it as a fuel. to find silver lining.

favorite scene. favorite quote.

To Do List April 2013

• Birthday posts :) never miss a year. this is gonna be my 6th year of birthday post since I first blog back in 2007. whoa.. that's long..
• write daily life post. lots to share! 
• write zillion of thoughts and emotions that's been occupied me these weeks
• study hard since very beginning of post mid-term tests for better final-term test results
• make new friends if possible
• Explore new memorable exciting culinary places nom nom
• go shopping. please. your wardrobe needs its cycle. stop wearing that sweater for days in a row.
• be a better and much developed self. this one is mandatory, not an option.
• give thanks, smile, and do at least one good deed for anyone every single day
• maka a to-do list everyday! done done done.

UFO

Lord I don't know which way I am going 

Which way the river gonna flow 

It's just seems that upstream, I keep rowing 

Still got such a long way to go 

Still got such a long way to go 

Then that light, it's your eye I know, I swear, 

We'll find somewhere the streets are paved with gold 

Bullets fly, split the sky 

But that's all right, sometimes, sunlight comes streaming through the holes

never stop mesmerising with good music and moving lyrics.
Coldplay.

Duh

ketika sedang berada dalam kondisi yang tidak baik, hampir dipastikan saya akan langsung mengeluh. tidak hanya lewat ucapan dan media sosial, bahkan dalam doa. seperti manusia yang tidak tahu malu. seperti orang serakah yang tidak bisa bersyukur. penyesalan akan keluhan itu pun langsung muncul seketika saat tiba-tiba ditunjukkan bahwa masih banyak yang lebih menderita. kesusahan saya yang bahkan masih lebih baik, patut disyukuri. ketika disadarkan seperti itu, saya malu.

namun saat sedang berusaha memegang strereotype dimana orang yang suka mengeluh adalah orang yang tidak bersyukur, muncul pikiran saya, siapakah saya hanya manusia fana yang kerap dikuasai emosi dan pikiran. tidak punya kuasa untuk mengatur jalannya kehidupan. tidak jarang saya merasa dunia tidak adil hanya pada saya. saat-saat di mana saya kehilangan diri saya dan merasa tidak kuat layaknya anak kecil. mungkin pengaruh hormon, pikir saya mencoba mengelak. alasan selalu dicari-cari untuk pembenaran diri. seperti kalimat di awal paragraf ini. sudah tau mengeluh itu salah tapi tetap mencari alasan. semua berujung pada kaburnya nilai benar dan salah menjadi tidak signifikan.

teringat suatu kutipan "hanya ada dua hal dalam hidup, hal yang bisa diatur dan hal yang tidak bisa diatur. dan hanya ada dua tindakan untuk menyikapinya, yaitu menerima yang tidak bisa diatur, dan mengubah yang bisa diatur." suara kecil merenda seluruh preseden pilihan dan tindakan yang menjadikan pertanyaan-pertanyaan "kenapa" saya. saya terus lari dari masalah hingga masalah tersebut membentur saya keras-keras, berakhir pada saya mencari pembenaran diri dan mengeluh. rupanya harga diri saya masih terlalu tinggi untuk merasa salah. 

dunia bekerja dalam suatu cara simultan yang misterius. sama seperti tidak ada habisnya masalah dan penderitaan, begitu juga solusi dan kebahagiaan. namun kesadaran akan begitu seimbangnya dunia selalu digelapkan oleh rasa kasihan pada diri sendiri. mengeluh merupakan suatu bentuk ketidaktahuan dan kebutaan saya akan skenario besar yang sudah disiapkan sejak saya lahir, the so called destiny.  sebagai manusia fana, keluhan tidak terelakan. alangkah mudahnya hidup apabila tidak perlu mengeluh. tantangan yang ada adalah bagaimana cara menyikapi keluhan. saya bisa langsung menuju sudut kecil benak saya dan berperang dengan harga diri dan ego sendiri untuk mengakui kesalahan, atau selamanya menjadi maha benar yang mengutuk kondisi dan terseret pada kesengsaraan.

duh.

Talk about Love

"The quality of someone's life depends heavily on the life partner they choose-"

--and by quality, it doesn't necessarily mean the tangible things we might judge, it's the inner self that matters. After all everything is temporary, but only intangible things last longer.

1313

I know it's a little late.

big fan of new year. 

it's year changing. it's time when people's sinking hearts get lifted up. it's time when the light starts showing in the end of tunnel. it's a big turning point for most people. and I am, most people. just like the picture I insert, it's a new year and I'm ready to take a step. I'd love to spend more time reflecting and reevaluating my year. it's full of gratitude and apology. I don't mind scrolling see my timeline of any social media looking at people's joyful post updates. watching tv even made it to my list to do. well, I don't even mind idling and just enjoying the post-Christmas new year moment. as I said, I love new year.

the time when hope is re-kindled. 

New year, when the resolutions are made. my resolution is already well written on my journal since Christmas. Resolutions and wishes, for the upcoming year, all is based on hope. all of sudden everyone has a fresh start, hope. even though they say hopes mostly end up in disappointment, I still believe that hope is not a bad thing in my own way of perspective. everybody has their own philosophy I suppose. the whole world works in dysfunctional way. everyone should work to make it work. People seem weak but they are strong. People seem strong but they are weak. whichever you may be, it is all the matter of hope you become weak or strong. 

the time when faith is renewed.

the belief I have that hope is a good thing is a faith. 

the time when love is evolved.

the faith exists because I have people I love that I want to protect. I take the risk to fall in disappointment, hurt, despair, to get up and be with people I love. Love blinds you, love burdens you, but in the end of the day, you know it only strengthens you in an unexpected way. 

hope, faith, and love. a passage of 1 Cor 13:13 to kick 2013. 

rethorical

to him

what if
that day,
I brought my book
that would stop me
from an unavoidable meeting

where would I stand right now
what would my life turn to be

would I be happy,
or sad instead

would he be happier,
or sadder instead

I probably wouldn't feel this pain, 
wouldn't be this damaged
wouldn't be this twisty

but definitely
I also wouldn't have tasted real happiness
wouldn't feel blessed 
to ever know how to love someone wholeheartedly
to feel loved
to know him, 
to be given excessive amount of joy, and warmth

Good Things

it's 00.12 am on my desktop and my eyes are just as wide as Japan's anime's eyes. apparently I'm having sleep pattern shifted which affects just whole my daily routines. going to bed at dawn and sleep through all morning. which is unhealthy and kinda makes my body weakened actually.. blame on my lack of activity holiday. longing for something 'fun' to do, waiting for good things to happen.

speaking of which, due to everything being gone downhill lately, I'm becoming less and less inspired, also, of course, less motivated. like undetermined. that's maybe one of the reason after "this is holiday" that makes me keep the shifting of daily routines. it's no good. doing nothing is absolutely no solving anything. not to mention the good things I wait for.

now I'm here, in Bandung. been about a week here for a remedial exam. thank God there's still a remedy for one my failures this term. during last week I keep reminding my self that only a fool doesn't make the best for the second chance. turns out that..well..let's just see about the result. in fact, sometimes I still feel like, geez, viv, you still don't learn your lesson, do you? keep making the same mistakes over and over again. just waiting and doing nothing here.

thank God tomorrow I'm going back to Jakarta and plan to stay there for about a week. need to be outta Bandung for a while although I really really love Bandung. but being alone is the last thing I need for now. idling is not good for my thoughts apparently, hehe. the highlights of next week that keeps me excited going home are my cousin's wedding and brother's sidi. family week is all I need for now instead being here idling, just wait, wait and wait.

now I'm feeling like complaining to whoever creates a saying "good things come to those who wait." I mean, waiting won't give you any lesson less much than doing nothing. it's like waiting for the sky to drop a cent of money. imho, it's perhaps more appropriate to be patient instead. keep working, giving efforts, going thru tough times, and facing unstoppable rain of life problems. patience, one thing that I thought I already had but obviously it is still out of my reach.

good things come to those who are patient.
--Welcome Summer :)

Still

no matter, no matter, no matter,
it's still valid

Decadence

the word failure, has been glued to me, since nowadays life becomes pretty much a disaster. I failed at almost everything, nothing that I've done is good enough. sadly it's kinda too late to be fixed. I failed even in relationship, isn't it bad enough.. no, obviously life still wants to kid me more.
been thinking much about this recently, lots happened in my mind, I couldn't catch every thought, and it came out empty. like a lightning in the middle of a clear day, I got slapped by my own failure and changes. it ain't easy to accept, all I can give is denial. this is not me. this is not me. this, is, not, me.
Back then, I was always content with dreams and passion, reaching for the goal one by one. doing particularly all the things I love, living in the moment. and now, at the age where I always thought I was gonna be better, all I got is failure, a come-down. I'm at nowhere.


now, what to do, where to go, how to start,
starting over is no joke but it's not even easy. 

Slow Dancing in the Burning Room

how dare you say it's nothing to me?
you're the only light I ever saw

How Lee Day!

Hereby, I do solemnly affirm and state my freedom of academic activities until the next three holy months, or to be exact 26th of August 2012. For further information about non-academic activities, including vacation trip, will be held as I fill in with more posts. for the given attention, all the third parties who read this would have my gratitudes.




anyway.. this declaration deserves a yay, buddy.

yay!

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

quoting from a song by Florence + the Machine,which was first heard on 'How I Met Your Mother' tv series season 7 eps 17. No deeper and further implementation on recent life, just can't stop listening to her voice, feel the emotion and heart the lyrics. help

And I've been a fool and I've been blind 

I can never leave the past behind 

I can see no way, I can see no way 

I'm always dragging that horse around 

 All of these questions, such a mournful sound 

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground 

So I like to keep my issues drawn 

But it's always darkest before the dawn

I am done with my graceless heart 

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart 

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn