What is up

been busy with life lately.

been reading good books a lot. listening to rather good music. meeting new and interesting people. that automatically made: been making friends too. been to new places with fun companies. tasting new and authentic foods. taking a lot of photographs. gaining weight (finally). taking care of troubled skin. shopping new clothes and putting away the old worn out ones. collecting new kind of accessories. been learning a lot especially about life behind school walls. and also about life itself of course.

been busy giving abundant love to loved people around.
been busy appreciating every waking moment, filling life with meanings.
been busy arranging and fixing things up.

been busy standing up on my own feet. which is now I am.

been wearing sincere smile, like a lot.

been happy.

:)

Loss

I always see uncertainty in life is something most people have to get along with on daily basis. like, in life, I can't be too sure about how things going to end up. in the general picture, everyone already knows how life is supposed to be. born. schools. works. married. giving births. parenting. getting old. and die. text book. little thing I know, those all general steps in life can be skipped except born and die. two most certain things in life behind all those uncertainties. inevitable steps every living human is going to take sooner or longer. the consequence of being born. death.

my uncle passed away last week. my mother's elder brother. 

even though I was never close to him personally, he's one of our very close relatives so his death really brought something new to me. that slapped me hard. as I watched my mother crying on car after hearing the news, I couldn't help wondering how big the loss my mom felt then. it took my breath away and left me wordless so instead of saying something I only hugged her all the way home. not even my tough father saying a word until we reached home. for my parents who I always look up to as the toughest and strongest people to finally break down, that, pained me, words couldn't even begin to describe it.

but after the painful ride home, my parents went out again right away to send off my uncle in a small ceremony in the middle of the night. they didn't allow us, the kids, to go along with them, for us to get some rest. it's been a very long day and exhausted is a perfect adjective to describe how my family felt that day. at first my sister and I were against them going too because it's late and they're also tired. but then, something in my mother's way of telling us not to worry about them and have rest instead left a deep impression on me, leaving me and my sister no other choices except to obey it. the loss she felt that I maybe would never know. that night, in the middle of my confusion, sadness, and anxiety of this event, that exhaustion though, put help into me getting some sleep.

the next day I woke up late and found my mother was already home and going through her daily works at home like usual. I approached her expecting heartache seeing her in sadness just like yesterday, but no, no. I was wrong. she looked at me and offered me breakfast, just like usual. I smiled and took it anyway. confusing feelings and thoughts piling up in my mind as I finished my breakfast. wondering uncertainty. but one thing I was certain of what I felt that morning, relieved.

death and loss are still so distinct for me to figure. it pains me to see my mother's loss, but it also leaves me in awe to see how my mother handled that. that's something I could never understand. for both my mother and father had gotten greater loss to lose their respective parents, the fear, worry, and anxiety of facing the same things coming to get me into the corner for a while. but then, the moment I saw my mother smiling back and offering me food for breakfast, those messed up feelings were gone right away. 

don't ask me why.

"the reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity- it's envy. 

life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it,

a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can.

but life leaps over oblivion lightly, 

losing only a thing or two of no importance

and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud."

-Martell, Yann. (Life of Pi)

Strange

little randomness inspired from a conversation with friends.

Hi Legal Age

as people age, I always think most of the definitions we hold change as well.

well.. there's no such thing as an absolute definition to begin with. so yeah, it changes through the time. the definitions you held onto so tight last year, could be just a handful of nonsense by now. and yea, now as I age, most of my definitions have changed. trust me, it doesn't change unstably just like that, I have price to pay. so now I guess when making a decision, going thru every consequences is probably the essence of thinking the whole idea of it. definition of consequence is not so simple as I know it. so many value been added and things just got more and more complicated. I'm not liking this new definition, but I definitely can't go change it back either. kinda still get caught back and forth between this whole definition-changing idea.

by this age, I can see changes of definition everyone made through their decisions and perspectives. people at my age, are young adults, who are just now given wider opportunities we used to avoid as a bunch of children. we're not called teenagers or children again by reasons. society expects something from us in return. responsibility. its definition changed from just mere words of 'oops sorry not again' to 'okay I'm the biggest idiot on earth- now I should do hell to pay back- oh my, people hating me- i freaking acknowledge my mistakes and work on it- please shut up- karma, you're an asshle'

.
..
...
...yeah that lame

so being an adult sucks. this getting-caught-back-and-forth on changes of definition soooo irritates me. maybe that's why it takes two for each individual to get through life. that way, all the baggages on your shoulder are shared and it'd be much lighter.

however, that doesn't stop me turning older. and despite the changes-of-definition phase I'm going through, everything has been going better than I had expected. to this day, I always am thankful for the blessing in my life. even though sometimes it hides in the corner of my blind spot, there's always a way to figure it out by the helps of other blessings in my life.. aw. I'm feeling better already.

21, huh? surprise me.

pics from my birthday week:

Silver Lining

so.. I just finished watching one of the Oscar nominees for best motion picture, which is a list I always turn into a reference for must-watch films, and unusually feeling very good after watching it. you know, Oscar Nominees usually tend to be good in a good-artsy-heavy-deep-boring-ugly-truth way, but this film happens to be one of those rare cases to my taste, and I just have to add it to my all time favorite movies list even though I just watched it for the first time.

"every cloud has a silver lining"

that's one of my favorite idiom. you know, kinda the saying that people hold on to wipe the tears and get back on their feet every time things fall down, as 'blessing in disguise', 'carpe diem' and so forth do. I always fond of that positivity those sentences have anyway. that means that in every bad situation there is an element of good. just as fit as a common metaphor for optimism. and a movie with this idiom on the title? been dying to watch it on the big screen.

for the first half of the film I thought "oh, another movie about insane people keeping sane life." but then just like that, I got drawn into the films more and more. started to live through the characters' life, met their perspectives, acknowledged the plot more but still got surprised by the twist, and all of sudden, viola, it ends. like what? that was it but it was like the best movie I've seen in like a year. plot, pictures, acting, dances. don't get me start with Bradley Cooper. I get how Lawrance brought the Oscar home, but what happened to Cooper's insanely brilliant job? he definitely deserves it (with all due respect to the winner)

words in words, that's simply a good film I even have to make a post about it. it's been like years for me to see a good one. they said insane people don't get the happy endings, but the fact is, everyone has the craziness inside them. maybe everyone does really deserve a happy ending? who knows. all we can do is reading the signs. finding a silver lining in every cloud to keep the sanity. Excelsior, which Cooper's character said, it means to take all the negativity and use it as a fuel. to find silver lining.

favorite scene. favorite quote.

To Do List April 2013

• Birthday posts :) never miss a year. this is gonna be my 6th year of birthday post since I first blog back in 2007. whoa.. that's long..
• write daily life post. lots to share! 
• write zillion of thoughts and emotions that's been occupied me these weeks
• study hard since very beginning of post mid-term tests for better final-term test results
• make new friends if possible
• Explore new memorable exciting culinary places nom nom
• go shopping. please. your wardrobe needs its cycle. stop wearing that sweater for days in a row.
• be a better and much developed self. this one is mandatory, not an option.
• give thanks, smile, and do at least one good deed for anyone every single day
• maka a to-do list everyday! done done done.

UFO

Lord I don't know which way I am going 

Which way the river gonna flow 

It's just seems that upstream, I keep rowing 

Still got such a long way to go 

Still got such a long way to go 

Then that light, it's your eye I know, I swear, 

We'll find somewhere the streets are paved with gold 

Bullets fly, split the sky 

But that's all right, sometimes, sunlight comes streaming through the holes

never stop mesmerising with good music and moving lyrics.
Coldplay.

Duh

ketika sedang berada dalam kondisi yang tidak baik, hampir dipastikan saya akan langsung mengeluh. tidak hanya lewat ucapan dan media sosial, bahkan dalam doa. seperti manusia yang tidak tahu malu. seperti orang serakah yang tidak bisa bersyukur. penyesalan akan keluhan itu pun langsung muncul seketika saat tiba-tiba ditunjukkan bahwa masih banyak yang lebih menderita. kesusahan saya yang bahkan masih lebih baik, patut disyukuri. ketika disadarkan seperti itu, saya malu.

namun saat sedang berusaha memegang strereotype dimana orang yang suka mengeluh adalah orang yang tidak bersyukur, muncul pikiran saya, siapakah saya hanya manusia fana yang kerap dikuasai emosi dan pikiran. tidak punya kuasa untuk mengatur jalannya kehidupan. tidak jarang saya merasa dunia tidak adil hanya pada saya. saat-saat di mana saya kehilangan diri saya dan merasa tidak kuat layaknya anak kecil. mungkin pengaruh hormon, pikir saya mencoba mengelak. alasan selalu dicari-cari untuk pembenaran diri. seperti kalimat di awal paragraf ini. sudah tau mengeluh itu salah tapi tetap mencari alasan. semua berujung pada kaburnya nilai benar dan salah menjadi tidak signifikan.

teringat suatu kutipan "hanya ada dua hal dalam hidup, hal yang bisa diatur dan hal yang tidak bisa diatur. dan hanya ada dua tindakan untuk menyikapinya, yaitu menerima yang tidak bisa diatur, dan mengubah yang bisa diatur." suara kecil merenda seluruh preseden pilihan dan tindakan yang menjadikan pertanyaan-pertanyaan "kenapa" saya. saya terus lari dari masalah hingga masalah tersebut membentur saya keras-keras, berakhir pada saya mencari pembenaran diri dan mengeluh. rupanya harga diri saya masih terlalu tinggi untuk merasa salah. 

dunia bekerja dalam suatu cara simultan yang misterius. sama seperti tidak ada habisnya masalah dan penderitaan, begitu juga solusi dan kebahagiaan. namun kesadaran akan begitu seimbangnya dunia selalu digelapkan oleh rasa kasihan pada diri sendiri. mengeluh merupakan suatu bentuk ketidaktahuan dan kebutaan saya akan skenario besar yang sudah disiapkan sejak saya lahir, the so called destiny.  sebagai manusia fana, keluhan tidak terelakan. alangkah mudahnya hidup apabila tidak perlu mengeluh. tantangan yang ada adalah bagaimana cara menyikapi keluhan. saya bisa langsung menuju sudut kecil benak saya dan berperang dengan harga diri dan ego sendiri untuk mengakui kesalahan, atau selamanya menjadi maha benar yang mengutuk kondisi dan terseret pada kesengsaraan.

duh.

Talk about Love

"The quality of someone's life depends heavily on the life partner they choose-"

--and by quality, it doesn't necessarily mean the tangible things we might judge, it's the inner self that matters. After all everything is temporary, but only intangible things last longer.

1313

I know it's a little late.

big fan of new year. 

it's year changing. it's time when people's sinking hearts get lifted up. it's time when the light starts showing in the end of tunnel. it's a big turning point for most people. and I am, most people. just like the picture I insert, it's a new year and I'm ready to take a step. I'd love to spend more time reflecting and reevaluating my year. it's full of gratitude and apology. I don't mind scrolling see my timeline of any social media looking at people's joyful post updates. watching tv even made it to my list to do. well, I don't even mind idling and just enjoying the post-Christmas new year moment. as I said, I love new year.

the time when hope is re-kindled. 

New year, when the resolutions are made. my resolution is already well written on my journal since Christmas. Resolutions and wishes, for the upcoming year, all is based on hope. all of sudden everyone has a fresh start, hope. even though they say hopes mostly end up in disappointment, I still believe that hope is not a bad thing in my own way of perspective. everybody has their own philosophy I suppose. the whole world works in dysfunctional way. everyone should work to make it work. People seem weak but they are strong. People seem strong but they are weak. whichever you may be, it is all the matter of hope you become weak or strong. 

the time when faith is renewed.

the belief I have that hope is a good thing is a faith. 

the time when love is evolved.

the faith exists because I have people I love that I want to protect. I take the risk to fall in disappointment, hurt, despair, to get up and be with people I love. Love blinds you, love burdens you, but in the end of the day, you know it only strengthens you in an unexpected way. 

hope, faith, and love. a passage of 1 Cor 13:13 to kick 2013. 

rethorical

to him

what if
that day,
I brought my book
that would stop me
from an unavoidable meeting

where would I stand right now
what would my life turn to be

would I be happy,
or sad instead

would he be happier,
or sadder instead

I probably wouldn't feel this pain, 
wouldn't be this damaged
wouldn't be this twisty

but definitely
I also wouldn't have tasted real happiness
wouldn't feel blessed 
to ever know how to love someone wholeheartedly
to feel loved
to know him, 
to be given excessive amount of joy, and warmth

Good Things

it's 00.12 am on my desktop and my eyes are just as wide as Japan's anime's eyes. apparently I'm having sleep pattern shifted which affects just whole my daily routines. going to bed at dawn and sleep through all morning. which is unhealthy and kinda makes my body weakened actually.. blame on my lack of activity holiday. longing for something 'fun' to do, waiting for good things to happen.

speaking of which, due to everything being gone downhill lately, I'm becoming less and less inspired, also, of course, less motivated. like undetermined. that's maybe one of the reason after "this is holiday" that makes me keep the shifting of daily routines. it's no good. doing nothing is absolutely no solving anything. not to mention the good things I wait for.

now I'm here, in Bandung. been about a week here for a remedial exam. thank God there's still a remedy for one my failures this term. during last week I keep reminding my self that only a fool doesn't make the best for the second chance. turns out that..well..let's just see about the result. in fact, sometimes I still feel like, geez, viv, you still don't learn your lesson, do you? keep making the same mistakes over and over again. just waiting and doing nothing here.

thank God tomorrow I'm going back to Jakarta and plan to stay there for about a week. need to be outta Bandung for a while although I really really love Bandung. but being alone is the last thing I need for now. idling is not good for my thoughts apparently, hehe. the highlights of next week that keeps me excited going home are my cousin's wedding and brother's sidi. family week is all I need for now instead being here idling, just wait, wait and wait.

now I'm feeling like complaining to whoever creates a saying "good things come to those who wait." I mean, waiting won't give you any lesson less much than doing nothing. it's like waiting for the sky to drop a cent of money. imho, it's perhaps more appropriate to be patient instead. keep working, giving efforts, going thru tough times, and facing unstoppable rain of life problems. patience, one thing that I thought I already had but obviously it is still out of my reach.

good things come to those who are patient.
--Welcome Summer :)

Still

no matter, no matter, no matter,
it's still valid

Decadence

the word failure, has been glued to me, since nowadays life becomes pretty much a disaster. I failed at almost everything, nothing that I've done is good enough. sadly it's kinda too late to be fixed. I failed even in relationship, isn't it bad enough.. no, obviously life still wants to kid me more.
been thinking much about this recently, lots happened in my mind, I couldn't catch every thought, and it came out empty. like a lightning in the middle of a clear day, I got slapped by my own failure and changes. it ain't easy to accept, all I can give is denial. this is not me. this is not me. this, is, not, me.
Back then, I was always content with dreams and passion, reaching for the goal one by one. doing particularly all the things I love, living in the moment. and now, at the age where I always thought I was gonna be better, all I got is failure, a come-down. I'm at nowhere.


now, what to do, where to go, how to start,
starting over is no joke but it's not even easy. 

Slow Dancing in the Burning Room

how dare you say it's nothing to me?
you're the only light I ever saw