Drag & Block

May I ask you something?

how long should I wait again?

Drama

(source)

we'll never know what's wrong and right again when meet the words friends, family, and love. we may think we do the right things but then everything turns out to be a total mess. just like what I did lately.

Me is kinda a person who avoid and not a big fan of conflict. I preferably choose my beloved people's happiness instead of mine. in teenage-drama-queen-words, I don't mind being the hurt one. and........ that's the problem. bottom line. I'm so naive. like totally. I think I know I'll make things better but the fact is I never really know the consequence I'll really get when choosing the wrong choice.

now everything is such a total mess, all I can do is nothing. I'm in the spectator seats. gazing a drama that I'll never understand why it should be like that way. then I arrived at one point that bring me a conclusion, as I said in 1st sentence, meeting the word friend, family, and love could blind you. we'll never know what's wrong and right anymore. but unfortunately, one choice is just gonna bring us to another choice. and more choices. it happens to bring me so many question mark.

Dear God, am I on the right path?

waddap world?

what has happened to me these couple of weeks is a total mess.
let's begin a brand new spirit of life! (cheering up)

a Letter to God

for all these weeks, everytime it happened I just wondered whether I could make it or not. and I'm still in the positive mind. I think that I could try to work it out later.
but now, when it keeps happening, I start to feel like, God try to show me the way and I'm too ignorant to realize, that.. I.. can't.. ever.. make it. sadly.

so Dear God,
please stop this feeling and give me Your Blessing Hand to raise me upon your shoulder..
strengthen my heart and show me the best way for me.
I always know You have given me the best cue,
and all I need to do is just keep seeking in Your Name,
I surrender to Your Hand, Father, as always....Amen.

Silent Scream

when you try your best but you don't succeed

I took a deep breath. but my world was falling. this headache attacked too sudden that I cant stand of. I got a sudden pain and felt so breathless. thus, my eyes kept capturing view all around me. people smiled, people laughed. it seemed everything was too easy to everyone and I was the only one loser. they smiled, they laughed. they deserved it all. they were not dumb. even if they were dumb, I was the dumber. I smiled, I laughed. a loser should make a fake smile to survive the world.my pride was still too high that I tried to stand on my dignity. maybe I looked fine. bcs I wont let people figure out that, I failed, and I failed. and I failed whereas everybody else could make it.
nobody could see me falling inside. nobody could see a sinking ship in me nobody could see..............
but I just can't endure everything and keep smiling. I'm not a wonder woman. I need to hit something, hit something so hard until could make that something feel the same pain as I had I need to jump, jump so high that I could see the whole world, get higher sight than everybody else could see. I need to cry, cry so hard until my tears all gone and I couldn't feel any pain again. I need to scream, scream so loud so that I could throw all my deep sadness that I've been keeping inside these days. scream and asking why

and Coldplay told me to fix me instead of fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed

in this corner, I finally gave up of standing. losing my pride and my dignity. I down to earth, and realized all my fault, and I surrender to everything,

Lights will guide you home//and ignite your bones//and I will try to fix you

this is the roller coaster of my life. and this is the part of my life I called 'falling'. but I'm sure at the other time, someday, I will heave a part that I called, 'raising'.
raise and fall.

Goals and Try Out

looks like I didn't keep my words then another lack of updates here. 'busy' is always be my first reason before 'lazy' hehehe :)

oh ya hari minggu kemarin gue try out inten pertama lho. waw. gue merasa tertampar habis-habisan (sedikit lebay). kemana saja saya selama 2 bulan pertama sekolah ini? dulu saja awal masuk pernah berjanji ke diri sendiri kalo akan berusaha. tapi, apakah saya berusaha sekeras yang saya janjikan? jawabannya, ya tentu. eh tapi.... kurang sih sebenernya. hmmmmm, oke. tidak sama sekali malah.

hasilnya? peringkat yang tidak baik untuk diumbarkan disini.

kecewa? tentu.
tapi sehabis mengetahui hasil try out pertama itu, saya langsung mendapat konseling dari inten. dan kalimat pertama yang gue tangkep, 'apa itu berarti kalian masuk ui kalo peringkat try outnya tinggi?'
oke gue kembali tersenyum.

in baru awal, semua belum berakhir. lebih baik jatuh di awal daripada jatuh di akhir. karena itu perjuangan masih panjang. masih ada waktu untuk mengejar. tidak perlu stres, tapi jangan terlalu santai. ini baru awal, masih ada waktu.

Say what?

the sentence I mostly said this week is,

" not even close "

dont ask me why cos I also have no idea as you are.
have a nice weekend birdie!

Mess Around

I'm totally a creep these days. finding my self dont talk to brother for a while (until now), and having an argument with father. what a great great great great week. taking me to the most guilty feeling, but this pride wins. don't blame me for making all mess around. I just cant help my self fooling around. I utterly did all foolishly. but this unfairness thing is killing me. well, it's the truth. if this world were that fair, the court wouldnt be exist anymore. then, the question is, does an apology still exist?

RT @vavain: I should hv support frm a place called home. Not this pressure. Thank you for making me a mess without seeing my condition. about 10 hours ago

RT @vavain: I'm the outsiders. Who's gonna outta here? about 11 hours ago

Memories Are Gently Turned into Dreams

you're awake. then start to think, 'it feels like a dream, which never happen. too contrast ' how easy the other passed it thru all this way, once you remember a vow, telling you a word; never. how sad. you do all effort to go thru the path, while the other makes it so easy to be over. having zero idea about the story line. it's unfair, yes it is. then you cry again for million times
and the other laughs again for thousand times. you're singing silly songs and fall asleep. close your eyes and get back, to the only place you could forget about the line.

tomorrow will be fine,
you promise yourself.

Unreasonable,

people meet for a reason.
so what's your reason?

Daddy's Little Girl

I used to be called like that when I was young
when world seemed like a wonderland with various amazing things around
I played I cried then I laughed again
nothing in this world could hurt me so bad, I thought

now on I'm becoming a grown-up
things become more awkward, and world seems not friendly anymore
it pushed me harder to face the unfriendly world
then the choices started to appear, waiting for me to decide and choose
once I remember people said 'Life is a choice'
now I see what that really means. I should choose

but after a while, after making some choices
there's nothing better than ever. everything comes harder and harder
and I start to think,
how to make it better? is there any alternated idea?
what if I had mistaken to make a choice?

and, today I feel like I've been slapped
I just realized what I've caused
this young lil girl might have overstepped the line
and I disappoint parents again and again

sorry dad, but does apology still exist?
I know I was wrong and make y'all disappointed
I could see it in your eyes, dad, mom
don't deny it
sorry. and if only I could say this million times I don't mind it
happy anniversary,
and sorry again dad, this your good daughter has become bad
but even so, deep inside me I'll still be your lil girl.
always have and always will. I love you

Unsaid

sometime there's something shouldn't be said

the things that repeat over and over again
and it would be better to not mention things
the things you and I know

have you ever thought that saying something can somehow ruin everything?
think twice