Silent Scream

when you try your best but you don't succeed

I took a deep breath. but my world was falling. this headache attacked too sudden that I cant stand of. I got a sudden pain and felt so breathless. thus, my eyes kept capturing view all around me. people smiled, people laughed. it seemed everything was too easy to everyone and I was the only one loser. they smiled, they laughed. they deserved it all. they were not dumb. even if they were dumb, I was the dumber. I smiled, I laughed. a loser should make a fake smile to survive the world.my pride was still too high that I tried to stand on my dignity. maybe I looked fine. bcs I wont let people figure out that, I failed, and I failed. and I failed whereas everybody else could make it.
nobody could see me falling inside. nobody could see a sinking ship in me nobody could see..............
but I just can't endure everything and keep smiling. I'm not a wonder woman. I need to hit something, hit something so hard until could make that something feel the same pain as I had I need to jump, jump so high that I could see the whole world, get higher sight than everybody else could see. I need to cry, cry so hard until my tears all gone and I couldn't feel any pain again. I need to scream, scream so loud so that I could throw all my deep sadness that I've been keeping inside these days. scream and asking why

and Coldplay told me to fix me instead of fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed

in this corner, I finally gave up of standing. losing my pride and my dignity. I down to earth, and realized all my fault, and I surrender to everything,

Lights will guide you home//and ignite your bones//and I will try to fix you

this is the roller coaster of my life. and this is the part of my life I called 'falling'. but I'm sure at the other time, someday, I will heave a part that I called, 'raising'.
raise and fall.

Raining Fireworks

today is so lame, pardon my rudeness here
but, this evening was not as bad as this afternoon.

I got a very bad mood this afternoon and I was stuck at home which made it worse.
I need to go. I talked to my self. someone should take me outta here. and I called Erd, and he picked me up in the next half hour. (so fast..)
Erd needed to eat so we went to mcd and I ate ice cream to lift up my mood. Ice cream is truly the girl's best friend ever. firstly I still acted so badly to him because of my mood and without any clear reason I was so upset with him too. my bad, erd. so sorry. and he still treated me sooooo perfectly well even I was so rude to him. isnt he a good boyfriend for me?

this evening was takbiran night and tomorrow is Idul Fitri for Moslems. so the streets and roads in Jakarta tonight was so extremely uncrowded, and there are soooooomany fireworks sparkled in the sky, in spite of the raining and the cold weather.

I really love this combination.
Uncrowded Jakarta, raining, evening, cold weather, fireworks on the sky, and my lover whom I hug so tight until I couldnt feel my hands again.

it makes my day, really.
thank you love ♥

Upset

Since too many unwanted person watch me on twitter, I think i'd write my emotion here.
Now on I'm so upset. Everybody seems very happy to make me mad. Even the people who should know me better. Yes, it's you man. And you too young lady. If I cant take more control of my emotion, maybe this post would be fulfilled by dirty words. And of course I can.

Semua salah, dan gue selalu salah. Gue yang pecundang, atau emang dunia yang mempencundangi gue?
sekarang, kalau lagi down kaya gini, gue mesti lari ke siapa?

Seriously I'm not in the good mood for everybody. And I post it from mobile phone.

Sat, Sept 19th 2.30 pm

Turning Blue Turquoise

(source)

I changed my layout themes. again for this month. someone once asked me, 'why red?' I answered 'because I am a passionate person as the red it is.' now, after I changed the color, the other asked me again, 'why turquoise?' and I haven't found the answer yet. malah bertanya tanya sendiri, iya yah kenapa jadi biru toska gini? oh ya. mungkin hal-hal ini bisa dijadikan alasan. this blue-turquoise is one of my favorite color. on the other hand, I'm chasing the institute which the color of the jacket is biru toska. else, I'm feeling blue rite now. that's it.

how was your weekend then? mine's bad. I keep getting mood swing and I don't feel like talking to anyone now. rasanya pengen pergi ke suatu tempat yang sepi sendirian terus main kembang api sambil lompat-lompat sama teriak-teriak. tapi takut disangka orang gila, gajadi deh. hhhm this week is a total mess, but the worst thing is, the fact that school starts tomorrow. duh.

anyway, Happy Fasting folks :3
luurf,
V

Mess Around

I'm totally a creep these days. finding my self dont talk to brother for a while (until now), and having an argument with father. what a great great great great week. taking me to the most guilty feeling, but this pride wins. don't blame me for making all mess around. I just cant help my self fooling around. I utterly did all foolishly. but this unfairness thing is killing me. well, it's the truth. if this world were that fair, the court wouldnt be exist anymore. then, the question is, does an apology still exist?

RT @vavain: I should hv support frm a place called home. Not this pressure. Thank you for making me a mess without seeing my condition. about 10 hours ago

RT @vavain: I'm the outsiders. Who's gonna outta here? about 11 hours ago

Communicative

so, this is how the communication working in this age
when you feel so bad to someone and you cant spill it out just write it down on the super cyber world. then, voila. that 'someone' might read it without question. without effect you real life. and both of your life still go on well.
very good. I'll follow this lifestyle. watch me

Memories Are Gently Turned into Dreams

you're awake. then start to think, 'it feels like a dream, which never happen. too contrast ' how easy the other passed it thru all this way, once you remember a vow, telling you a word; never. how sad. you do all effort to go thru the path, while the other makes it so easy to be over. having zero idea about the story line. it's unfair, yes it is. then you cry again for million times
and the other laughs again for thousand times. you're singing silly songs and fall asleep. close your eyes and get back, to the only place you could forget about the line.

tomorrow will be fine,
you promise yourself.

anyone wants to hug me?

just looked around my video data, and I remembered this. incredibly saaaaaaaaaad ;)
love & hug people,

V

Unreasonable,

people meet for a reason.
so what's your reason?

Daddy's Little Girl

I used to be called like that when I was young
when world seemed like a wonderland with various amazing things around
I played I cried then I laughed again
nothing in this world could hurt me so bad, I thought

now on I'm becoming a grown-up
things become more awkward, and world seems not friendly anymore
it pushed me harder to face the unfriendly world
then the choices started to appear, waiting for me to decide and choose
once I remember people said 'Life is a choice'
now I see what that really means. I should choose

but after a while, after making some choices
there's nothing better than ever. everything comes harder and harder
and I start to think,
how to make it better? is there any alternated idea?
what if I had mistaken to make a choice?

and, today I feel like I've been slapped
I just realized what I've caused
this young lil girl might have overstepped the line
and I disappoint parents again and again

sorry dad, but does apology still exist?
I know I was wrong and make y'all disappointed
I could see it in your eyes, dad, mom
don't deny it
sorry. and if only I could say this million times I don't mind it
happy anniversary,
and sorry again dad, this your good daughter has become bad
but even so, deep inside me I'll still be your lil girl.
always have and always will. I love you

I see,

it'd better if we

talk less, do more

Unsaid

sometime there's something shouldn't be said

the things that repeat over and over again
and it would be better to not mention things
the things you and I know

have you ever thought that saying something can somehow ruin everything?
think twice

When the last high-school-holiday begins

I just realized that my holiday had already begun
and terribly in 2 weeks I'm gonna start my senior year
senior year. I'm unready
and helloooooo? have you read my sentence in the 1st line?
are you sure you've read it clearly?
it's been already holiday, guys. ho-li-shitty-day

and I'd trapped home today,
not because I'm lazy or something
wait, do we have the same prob? your face answers yes, buddy
let me mention the biggest problem for almost all of high school student on holiday
we have no much money, sadly
very sad
where the hell all the money goes to?

seemed my last school event was lil bit uncrowded caused by most of my friends, and the other high school students have no much money to buy the tickets although it cost only Rp 10,ooo.-
anyway, the events worked properly.

the boredom really ruin my mood and I've been lil bit hyper-sensitive these days.
my sist just came over and asked me if she may open her facebook for a minuite, and I was angry at her because of that little, tiny request.
what a bad sister I am ;(

I really want to go outside this house. doing the holiday stuff
meet my friends and erd, watching at cinemas, spending evening at cafes, walking around, and shopping much items
and it needs money

who says money can't buy happiness?
money absolutely can, for this holiday

Masquarede

I fell it down
then it crushed almost everything

should I say, everybody wears a mask?

Moody

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
-Hot n Cold, Katy Perry

old song.
but you know what it means
how come this feeling changes instantly
I'm getting upseeeeeeeeeeeeet!