Gratefulness

God's really really been good to me.

no, no. I'm not those people who seems really perfect with excess wealth, very good looking, high socialist, and even a genuine genius brain. but obviously without those things I'm now on feeling quite terrifically good and enjoyable with my own life. and mostly, superb grateful.

wonder why?
well, as the other senior year students in the world, we're supposed to prepare for the test to continue studying in college. the only disadvantage is here, my school, we're all forced to prepare everything quickly and instantly. in less than a year. oh even I could say less than 6 months. yep. like total. from 3 years in high school, our total learning time at school is just a half. so, for those students who wants to get into best public university we have to struggle very hard to chase our lateness during freshmen year and sophomore. and yeah. such a hard work. I struggled every single day for 6 months.

an Indonesian proverb, 'tiada gading yang tak retak' ---pretty close means 'no ivory that is not crack'---- explains my condition. I'm sick. I got an illness which sounds not really dangerous but did really ruin my struggling days. that's it. the big point. the bottom line. my big weakness. my sickness.
I kept making absences at school and often in my course, Inten. I missed so many classes and also important lesson. I couldn't stay at Inten to study until late like my friends did to pursue the lesson. I often fell sick when I was in class. eventually, I failed try outs. feeling like a total dumbass with a big mouth kept promising my mom ITB or UI. I despair seeing my other friends understood about the lesson and making good try out score......................................... I fell down.

however, long story short, I finally stood up. keeping my head held high. it was like I felt I want nobody feel dissapointed. and yeah, my advise, don't you hesitate the power of a prayer. it truly works. now, here I am! feeling super duper thankful for what God has given to me. it's unpredictably paid off. my struggling, misery, suffer.

you have no idea how it does really feel.. surprisingly amazed. grateful.

Amazed

Doing The Right Things Takes Courage and Strength

it also needs wide acceptance, long term patience, and sincerely smile.

thus, it totally hurts so you could feel like dying.

So Please,

Woman in Pain

this probably sounds too ridiculous and cheesy. but hell yeah. doesn't everyone else ever feel the same?

namanya juga masalah hati. yah sulitlah. kadang ada saja perasaan yang berlebihan dimana seharusnya tidak ada, atau malah sebaliknya. seharusnya ada perasaan malah tidak ada sama sekali. tidak adil. sering sekali terbesit di benak saya, mengapa harus seperti itu? apa tujuannya? apa benar rasa sakitnya itu sendiri adalah sebuah pelajaran?

saya tidak seharusnya merasakan ini, dan sudah sewajarnya merasakan hal yang lain, tapi for God sake, who the hell on earth can control their own feelings? else, bukan itu yang jadi bottom line dari tulisan kacau ini. ini bukan tentang saya. bukan tentang dia. tapi tentang sebuah alasan.

saya terkadang suka berpikir, --ya, saya memang seorang pemikir sejati sampai terkadang saya sendiri takut dengan apa yang saya pikirkan--, untuk apa rasa sakit itu diciptakan. tujuan dibalik semua drama kehidupan. kenapa harus ada kiasan 'orang ketiga' atau cinta 'segitiga'? bukankah cinta itu terdiri dari dua suku kata yang melambangkan hanya dua orang yang mampu menjalaninya bersama? lalu untuk apa ada si 'ketiga' atau pun orang lain yang terlibat bila pada akhirnya hanya akan ada dua yang sanggup bertahan sehingga menyisakan sakit bagi orang-orang yang terbuang? kenapa tidak seperti ini saja, ide saya, dua orang yang diciptakan untuk hidup bersama selamanya sebagai partner dalam suka dan duka, juga saling mengisi kehidupan, bertemu dari awal, sudah ditentukan, tanpa perlu ada keterkaitan dengan orang lain. bukankah dengan begitu semuanya akan berjalan lebih mudah?

terlalu banyak kata kenapa dalam tulisan berantakan saya ini. terlalu banyak tanda tanya di kepala saya. ingin rasanya saya menanyakan langsung pada Yang Di Atas, tapi lantas saya teringat sebuah kalimat simple yang menyamankan hati,
semua akan indah pada waktunya, karena everything happens for a reason.

ya sudahlah, saya hanya bisa ikhlas. I've found out that time heals almost everything.
dan tentu, saya tidak akan pernah berhenti mencoba menjalani hidup lebih baik.
just sit, and watch me shine.

Sometimes When I say 'I'm okay', I just..

..want someone to look at my eyes and say, 'no, I know you're not.'

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour

Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute

That's relativity.

-Albert Einstein

Named him Tyos. Don't ask why

Recent News

I..

• passed the national exam and my total grade is 49 which is under my target. (dissapointed, highest: 60) but still feeling grateful..
  
• am leaving high school and gonna have graduation on May 25th
• got accepted in ITB which is my dream-comes-true college ever
• am getting a bridging program in ITB, starting on June and feeling so damn excited about that. thrilled and frightened at the same time.
• have a very long holiday until then, feeling such an unemployment and getting bored all the time
• feel like total unproductive, and keep wasting time all day long
• NEED A VACATION
  

Changes

I've been starring at this blank page for 2 hours. no kidding. it feels like too many things come up in my mind but nothing I could write here. it got me confused.

well, 4 months hiatus writing here. can't hide the changes that appear in me since then. people change, so do I. especially my perspective, way too different. being struggling student lately brought me into something I never learned before in my life. many things, I even couldn't explain. it just changed me, it turned me up into someone different.

now on, I just keep focus in my life. being thankful for everything I got, and enjoy every second I have. my priority goes to my family, future, and friends. and I hope, I could go through everything well and everything goes fine.

High School Rules

ever wish high school would be as pleased and fun as 'High school Musical'? or even as full of drama as 'Gossip Girl'? keep on dreaming. not even close.

I once ever read in a writer's twitter page about high school. you know him, I'm sure. he wrote that twitter nowadays becoming more highschool. wondering what he meant about 'highschool'?
backstabbing. bullying. and grouping. couldn't agree more.

• backstabbing your friend with your other friend, while you yourself is being back-stabbed too. wearing a mask and still pretend to act kindly to your backstabbing friend.
• bullying the innocent juniors because of their existence, in fact you're just jealous and you were bullied too when you were still a junior.
• grouping with some friends, and think that your group is the coolest thing ever happened while the other group think exactly the same thing.

undeniable.
I know even you, the most talented and charming student in the school, ever done such a thing like that. in this case, I can't deny 'me' is included. passively and actively.

on the other hand, we can't fully and directly just blame on the people who do those stuff. because like a mirror, you see yourself when you get angry at those people. thus, I keep thinking that this fact is so dramatically part of our life life. this school thingy is a path we have to pass to get the maturity.

besides, there's a lot of things that so-called-high-school in a good way. hanging out after school time, dating hot guys/girls that you've been dreaming of but then.., breaking-ups, meeting new boys/girls, school's event, even party with your friends? so many more. but I know the most important thing you should remember is, the Laugh-out-louds. the friends.
it makes the phrase 'high school never ends' definitely true.

learning from this part of life, that high school is the transition time which puts you into the maturity from the childishness. when we were child, world is so beautiful and everyone is our friend. now from high school we can take the conclusion that life ain't a fairytale and most of people are enemies instead of friends. who knows? someday when we're already grown up, we'll laugh the stupid things we've done. and we'll become mature.

now what? I can't stop letting my self to write this. I apologize that I ever back-stabbed you, friends. or even wearing a mask in front of you. this apology is for the past, present, and maybe the future. people can't ever guarantee things rite? but I think I never bullied my junior. you can keep my words for this. kind of a nice senior? count me in. and about the grouping things? well it's a social issue. whole school is overall a group indeed. can we say we're a very big group here?

and, my highschool era is just 4 months left. let's see what could happen in 4 months.
so, stay highschool guys.
X

What I've been passionately reading lately..

..recommended. EPIC.

waddap world?

what has happened to me these couple of weeks is a total mess.
let's begin a brand new spirit of life! (cheering up)

a Letter to God

for all these weeks, everytime it happened I just wondered whether I could make it or not. and I'm still in the positive mind. I think that I could try to work it out later.
but now, when it keeps happening, I start to feel like, God try to show me the way and I'm too ignorant to realize, that.. I.. can't.. ever.. make it. sadly.

so Dear God,
please stop this feeling and give me Your Blessing Hand to raise me upon your shoulder..
strengthen my heart and show me the best way for me.
I always know You have given me the best cue,
and all I need to do is just keep seeking in Your Name,
I surrender to Your Hand, Father, as always....Amen.

Silent Scream

when you try your best but you don't succeed

I took a deep breath. but my world was falling. this headache attacked too sudden that I cant stand of. I got a sudden pain and felt so breathless. thus, my eyes kept capturing view all around me. people smiled, people laughed. it seemed everything was too easy to everyone and I was the only one loser. they smiled, they laughed. they deserved it all. they were not dumb. even if they were dumb, I was the dumber. I smiled, I laughed. a loser should make a fake smile to survive the world.my pride was still too high that I tried to stand on my dignity. maybe I looked fine. bcs I wont let people figure out that, I failed, and I failed. and I failed whereas everybody else could make it.
nobody could see me falling inside. nobody could see a sinking ship in me nobody could see..............
but I just can't endure everything and keep smiling. I'm not a wonder woman. I need to hit something, hit something so hard until could make that something feel the same pain as I had I need to jump, jump so high that I could see the whole world, get higher sight than everybody else could see. I need to cry, cry so hard until my tears all gone and I couldn't feel any pain again. I need to scream, scream so loud so that I could throw all my deep sadness that I've been keeping inside these days. scream and asking why

and Coldplay told me to fix me instead of fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed

in this corner, I finally gave up of standing. losing my pride and my dignity. I down to earth, and realized all my fault, and I surrender to everything,

Lights will guide you home//and ignite your bones//and I will try to fix you

this is the roller coaster of my life. and this is the part of my life I called 'falling'. but I'm sure at the other time, someday, I will heave a part that I called, 'raising'.
raise and fall.