on waiting, on trying

May 16, 2020

I didn't want to count days, or weeks, or months, or years

that we've past through

it just, has been not easy for us.

to say the least

We constantly struggle with our issues and insecurities.

One of the hardest thing might be the urge to constantly blame myself for every failures. All the insecurities I have in the past were also brought upfront, overwhelmed my thoughts.
The frustrations.. built up and turned into explosions

I had one earlier today

crying my heart out and screaming out my frustration.
He hugged me
speak to my ear
telling me to be patient
just a little bit patient

remind me
just to be present
and count our on-hand blessings
stay faithful
but also be grateful

He told me today he asked me to marry him not just to have offsprings
He said he's okay not to have one
But so long as we still can
He asked me to keep faithful
and trying
and waiting
for the right time
in His Time.

Not our time.

wise women waits

Tuhan akan menguatkanku.

Sementara

trust the process.

trust God's process.

trust God's time.

trust Him.

And Yet

while you're lacking at so many things,
please allow me to remind you one thing,
what your 'and yet' are.

and yet, you acknowledge your lacks, and accept them.
and yet, you try to live along with them.
and yet, you strive not to over them, but to compensate them with whats you're not lacking with.
and yet, what you're lacking at are not what defines you as a person.
and yet, you stop focusing on what you're lacking at and go forward with what you have.
and yet, you're still have things you're not lacking at, and it's enough.

the list goes on.
I hope you always do as well.

September 20, 2016

Love Letter #1: First Year.

To my silly annoying boyfriend,

who loves to joke around
and make fun of me,
who gets into my nerves most of the time,  

whom I love anyway.

The Young Man and The Sea

To the same moon shining on the other part of the world,
To the endless ocean surrounding with soft tides,
To the ever chilly north wind bringing fresh air to breathe in,


Take care of him
Blanket him with constant warmth
That distance has failed me to deliver.


(And more importantly,
let the internet connection
reach through him well at times
so I get to talk to him
even it's only by text).


Tell him I miss him. Dearly.

Of Fears and Insecurities

“If I had to describe myself as anything it would be a raging sea. What I need from you is to be a ship that can keep afloat when the waters are rocky.” (Take me away from high hopes, take me away from insecurities, take me away from disappointments, and bring me to a place where fond memories – of waves kissing the shore, of an affectionate breeze combing through my hair, of your fingers dancing on a weathered stage.)


I'm scared. Really scared. Like fucking terrified. These, fears and insecurities, have been eating me up inside and I think time is running out.

A Letter of Apology, For Beloved

Forward
You
A Space
Earth 

(to everyone, who cares, who's been supporting, who helps, who loves.)

I apologize. 

Yet again, I failed you for who knows how many times it's already been. I apologize for being a disappointment, because this time, I tried, I did try, and it was still not good enough. I didn't work hard enough, didn't stand strong enough, didn't run fast enough. It's so close, but it's too late. I didn't make it, no matter how fast I ran towards it this time, it was just still not enough. 

I apologize I still couldn't break the good news you've been waiting for, instead I had to bring another blow on top of what's been happening all these years. I don't even know on what ground I've been standing on all this time, I couldn't reach high enough to stop the unmet expectations from falling from the sky. 

I apologize for being a constant worry. For the first time in years, I tried to embrace all the loves given to me, and to actually prove myself worthy of them. I thought that's the only fuel needed for me to push through this time, but I wasted it. I'm not sorry for myself, I'm, sorry you have to waste them on me. 

I apologize you have to put up with me all this time because I don't deserve you. As a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a best friend, a friend, a team player, a thesis partner, a student, a lover, I'm not good enough.

I'm deeply regretting this and accepting 100% that this is my own fault and responsibility. Hate me, get mad at me, punish me. I'm trying, like you all always say, not to beat up myself too much, but it's not easy. I tried to stay unaffected, stay okay at least, but the mask is getting heavier. Because I'm not. I can't even forgive myself, how would I dare asking for your forgiveness?

Still however here I am collecting my remaining courage to brace the reality and apologize. I know I don't deserve this. But there's this voice inside my head telling me to ask you not to leave, even I, again, don't deserve you. Otherwise, I feel like I'm gonna lose myself again, like last year, 2 years ago, 3 years ago. And I don't want to, I really don't want to, so, please. Please, please, please. Please accept this apology from the deepest of my heart, hold my hands, still, and never let it go.

I'm sorry, I really am sorry. 

with love, that remains, worry, and regrets,
-V.

It Is Not A Blank Space

-

"then what?"
"idk, I kinda expected people to leave afterwards."
"okay. then, I don't. see? I won't, at least not for it."
"you have no idea what you're talking about."
"then, tell me. how would I know if you disappear every time?"
"...idk."
"at least, just tell me. promise me."
"okay."
"okay?"
"I'll try."

-

"well."

"well?"

"okay that happened. so what?"

"idk, I thought it might be the same for you too."

"I don't get why you fret over this. It's not a big deal for me."

"you sure?"

"I didn't just know you yesterday. I wouldn't be here if I found it a problem."

"what do you think I am doing right now here if not for this?"

"so what are we waiting for?"

"you can?"

"I can."

"okay."

-

"everyone has their own problems. you're not alone in this."
"do you have one as well?"
"I do."

-

"happy."

"happy."

Love and The Other Drugs

( 七転び八起き )

"Fall down 7 times, get up 8."

Most of people who are close to me knows I was kinda sickly when I was a kid. stomach stuff. but it never really bothered my life that much. I lived quite normal in my teenage years, a form of memory I still cherish so much to this day. But years come by and things that I used to bear easily have become harder, almost unbearable each day. These 4 years are the worst. Questions and doubts popping out in my mind everytime i'm sick, it hits hard, frequently, intensely. I didn't see it coming, but being sick almost everyday, everynight, this wears me off. There's a constant underlying fear creeping out that turned me into a hollow. Things got far more destructive, I fell deep into the mess of physical and mental pain. For the first time, it's not only my body that's sick. My mind as well.

Now the damage is done, the aftermath is still creeping around like it'll never be gone.

I'm so 
so
damn tired. 
So close to give up at this point.
I'm so done with this.
so 
fucking done.



This Japanese proverb saying "fall down 7 times and get up 8" hits too close to home for me. I thought about giving up so many times, but remembering the faces of people who actually loves me and there all along pushes me much further. It might be my problem, lifelong problem, but I only need a way to deal with this, and life will be much easier.

Thank you, for the supports, for the loves, for the faith you all put in me.
I never knew before that love is the only constant drug I need to recover.
Thank you.




(This is gonna be a long process.)



(Thank you for sticking around anyway.)

Real Ideal, Ideal Reality

I have this best friend, from high school. 

When we first met 8 years ago, we actually didn't hit it off right away. I kinda had my own circle on first weeks of school, so did she. And when we talked to each other eventually, we didn't find any our interests shared with each other's (which was weird because later we found out we had so many). Thing was, I was very indifferent during first weeks of high school because I was still too in love with my junior high school life. That, made me a boring person, I didn't put out any efforts trying to befriend anyone other than my very small circle. Then, one afternoon she asked for someone to keep her company for a canteen trip, and I was so seemingly available. She just shrugged off and gave the 'you dont look like you want to' look. But I went ahead idk but I wanted to prove her wrong so bad, for the first time, I put out efforts. I talked first. I opened up. I socialized. We went to canteen, and since then, we started talking to each other regularly.

Our friendship had yet to fully bloom until we joined a dance club for our extra-curricular activity. Long hours spent together practising, in between exhaustion, anxiety, competition, we, became best friend.

I have this best friend, from high school.

Knowing her better, I found out that she's an idealist. She had vision of almost everything and she chased after them, towards the most ideal condition possible. Meanwhile I was more a realist at its best, I picked my battle selectively, in which I knew I could win over it. A seemingly idealist and a seemingly realist, how on earth would it work? She's an idealist, I was a realist, and that's what we wanted to show people who we were at that time. The truth was, we're kinda both of it. While she chased after ideal, she kept tracks of what's happening around her, keeping the 'ideal' real. And me, while I picked my battle, I kept wanting to win them over to set my own 'ideal'. At the end of the day, it turned out we walked towards the same goal. So it worked. And I realized that's what made us best friend, yet barely friend at first.

I have this best friend, from high school. 

She had this perfect boyfriend during high school. Finishing high school, we ended up together at our dream university. She majored art, while I took engineering. That put some distance between my best friend and her high school boyfriend. They broke up, terribly. He cheated on her. But she got new life as an art student so she eventually healed. I was there all along witnessing her first heartbreak. We shared same dorm for the first 2 years before she moved out. Though we still stay in touch every now and then, things are completely different from high school. Even when she was still my roommate, I barely saw her around at dorm, let alone around campus. She had new best friends, I had new best friends. Like everyone else, life changed us. We didn't share the same definition of a lot of things anymore apparently, but it turned out okay because when we finally had time to catch up, she's still my best friend and so was I still hers. We still could talk nothing and everything and it didn't happen to everyone for me, so I kinda decided she's that one of friends I might be able to keep for a lifetime and actually feel thankful.

I have this best friend, from high school. 

Few days ago, we finally had time to catch up. She actually asked to meet up because she had something to tell. In this age, though we don't talk everyday, I managed to keep tracks of her being from social medias and they weren't good lately. It turned out that she just broke up with her current boyfriend. Her 4-years-boyfriend I may add. And I knew him, I talked to him few times, she told me about him in every chance. They met around campus, he also took art major, so it was kinda eventual. Long story short, when my best friend had just broken up with her high school boyfriend, it was awful, but he was there, mending her heart, and I thought, he's okay, with her. Maybe this time she wouldn't have her heart broken anymore.

I was wrong. He broke her heart. He cheated on her. Not only physically, but on emotional term as well. He cheated on her. Not once, or twice. For a considerably long period of time. He cheated on her. Knowing she's been cheated in the past and how it ruined her. He cheated on her.

I felt sick listening to her story. I felt cheated too. I could see how all of this killed her from the inside. I knew him, I trusted him. It's really upsetting to see my best friend fell apart, again, for the same reason. It was really, really, really, upsetting. I already ranted in the last paragraph of (Another) Talk About Love post how I hate infidelity. I don't get it, I dont understand, why? why people do this, knowing very well that it's only gonna hurt their lover? Why don't cheaters grow some fucking balls and break up before going ahead dating other person? fuck. Cheating is probably one of the worst yet easiest form of betrayal somebody can do. It is easiest because we do it to our closest people. It is worst because we do it to our closest people.

I have this best friend, from high school. 
Now she's lost, I wish I could help her finding her light back to shore again, but it seems that it's not in my capability anymore. But still, I might not know better the right solution for her problems like I used to in high school, but I'm here ready with hugs and sleepovers and all nighters chat, and this blog post dedication (she also can have instagram or path ones if she needs to), as many laughters and tears and much cuddles as she wants. And if she reads this, girl, please know I got you. Everyone who loves you, for real, got you. Even when the world doesn't get you at times, we got you.

(And you got this, babe.)

Having None of It Kind of Day

You know how most of days of our lives just go by through hours and minutes 

like any other days in our lives? 

Apparently today wasn't one of those days.

This morning I woke up feeling terrible having pulled an all nighter because I saw some stuffs on my laptop – which I shouldn't have seen – that bothered me to the point I needed to escape my mind for a while and end up doing my thesis until morning. Unfortunately, in writing your thesis you need to be in the best state of mind, and not as an escape. Which resulted in me kinda frowning upon the fact that I haven't done a lot of 'good' development, all night was spent on shitty progress. I expected something better than this by the end of July, and it's already July 28. shot. 

I also found out then waking up cranky didn't sit well on my stomach that has been acting up for the past few days. I could hardly swallowed my breakfast and it alarmed me because I can't afford not being on the top of my health game for the next couple of months, again. So I decided to call off my plans and lay low a bit for the rest of the day. Hoping this knot on my stomach will go off eventually, I slept on it for the rest of morning. And, ah, it didn't go away by the time I woke up nearing lunchtime.

I still didn't feel all wrong until I got a phone call from a close friend I've known for years who lives in another city. It's a usual conversation we always share at first, until out of the blue he revealed that he found me weird. Which surprised me because I never heard people saying they find me weird to my face in my years of living, different, yes, but never weird. it's kinda new. so I asked him how? he simply said in Lana del Rey way of weird. it's not funny but still it made me laugh. I still really dont get which part of me reminds him of Lana del Rey's quirkiness – which I adore by the way – after he went on explaining, but something bugged my mind since.

I admit after that I didnt put so much thought engaging in our conversation. My mind was somewhere else, I wasnt sure where, until my friend mentioned something about 'recovery'. Having this huge issue regarding my current life's healthiness, it ticks me off guard every time people talking about it. Usually I'd just shrug it off assuming my interlocutors don't know a damn thing about what I'm going through. Again, today was just not that day. My friend went on about how I take the 'recovery' process not quite well, and all of sudden I ran out of words for response. One thing I was sure was that I was not mad. But it baffled me in a way I didn't understand at first. So we hung up and I went downstairs to have my lunch.

This is where things got ugly. 

Today was still kind of a slow day for my family – mostly due to lingering festive holiday – so all of us were still lounging at home before lunchtime. I joined them at living room and got in usual, mundane conversation we always have. With a family you know your whole life, you usually know which buttons to push and not to push. Again, today was not that kind of day for me. In the middle of conversation, my younger brother who I dear, dear so much, in response to my argument gave me a questioning look and a rather harsher choice of words about a family matter, that hit too close to home. Just like that, it broke me down. I couldn't stop my tears and spilt all of my frustration unto him. It all just went on uncontrollably and gosh how I hate crying in front of other people. My brother didn't say a word so I just went to my room after that. We succeeded avoiding something that could have been one hell of ugly fight, thanks to him. But I cant help being mad at him.

Today was indeed weird. I then fell asleep and woke up to now-dark bedroom and having all things that happened today hit me at once like a wave. There was a pang of guilt heaving down my chest. I tried recalling things to make sense what the hell have I been doing today, because as it turns out, I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. The fact that I got sick earlier this morning, and how stuffs I saw on my laptop unconsciously reminded me what a failure I've been. When my friend mentioned about me being weird, it didn't come as a much comfort my friend intended it to be after all of that. And by the time he took recovery into the matter, I was already far too gone I started correlating stuffs with 'failure'. Then, when my brother had to push the wrong button at the wrong time, I exploded.

I know I shouldn't let some stuffs bothered me too much and need a big mature ass kicking to my emotional self and for the love of goodness, start acting like an actual functional adult in society for once. But it did, some stuffs I found sitting in the corner of my hard disk, random things my friend said, and how well my family do affected me a lot. Even though I'm already 23 and in the middle of building my life, as an amateur adult, I cant help but wonder how an actual functional adult in society dealing with emotion and feelings thingy once in a while, though? How does one handle it smoothly without affecting much their study, career, and general professional life? Does adulthood turn us into an army of emotionless robots? 

today was a weird day.

Wake Up Call

"yet when you've been through something like that,

there'd be no such thing as a fresh start, you know?"

Proof

Some friend made a comment, the other day, about the way i've been seemingly living hard these few months.

"What are you trying to achieve?"

"What do you want to prove?"

"Is there someone you want to prove wrong so bad?"

While the first two questions are too complicated to answer without pouring my whole life history on the table, to reply the last question would be much simpler.

Yes, the answer is yes.
There's someone i want to prove wrong so bad. 

That'd be me.

I want to prove my self wrong.

For thinking that I'm not stronger than one mistake.

For thinking life doesn't give second, third, fourth – and counting on – chance.
For thinking that all my bad judgement calls in the past years will define my entire life.

(Another) Talk About Love

relationships get messy sometimes.
when people say 'you cant help who you fall in love with' I always find my self subconsciously snorting quietly to the speaker –more often than not indirectly because you know living in the internet era and 'people saying' is more like 'people writing'– and most of the time I let my self to add an eyes-rolling or two evidently to advertise my refusal to acknowledge the argument. like, honestly? to me that statement sounds like a classic overly-romantic-fiction induced cliché to use as an excuse we tell each other when we fall in love with someone. so that we can freely fall in love with anyone without holding any responsibility towards whoever they are. sort of a way to rid the guilt away once the situation gets uncontrollably messed up (which is most of the time).

relationships do fail at times, everyone knows this. chances are small for two people to meet and right away suit each other perfectly and be soulmate. it's not impossible, but really, how often do you stumble upon such fairytale-like story of two people? relationships get messy, at worst it wont work. that's how life works. heartbreaking as it is, when or if it happens, you do need some kind of excuse to pick yourself up and start all over again. putting blames on others and make yourself feel better, alright. so you use it, quote unquote 'you cant help who you fall in love with'. ta-da. you feel a lot better.

here's a twist, actually YOU CAN.



of course you can help who you fall in love with. 
falling in love is not something that happens in three seconds – note that i'm no expert, but here we go my very best attempt to grasp 'love' by its definition – it is a string of encounters and engagements. a process of getting to know each other better. people don't meet others and claim to love them in a short period of time. to love requires more than a mere desire, it is no ideal type and preference. it involves a whole other level of complicated emotions and feelings logic fails to approach. isnt it getting heavier to said 'i love you' out loud as we get older? as if the more we learn about being in and out of love, the more we value those words carefully in order not to hurt others and get hurt in return. it calls for vulnerability, to willingly let each other's selves exposed. falling in love charges within time and efforts.

nonetheless, like everything else, love begins with something. like inexplicable chemistry-induced fascination, odd sudden interest that tickles your curiosity, baffling gravitation pulling towards you into this certain someone, attraction. love begins with simply attraction. people attract and get attracted to each other. unlike love, attraction works in much simpler ways. it's no complicated, no extra baggage tagged along, and easy. you get to feel it to several people with no strings attached. it's common, and human. the best thing is, you get to decide into what kind of emotion this simple attraction grow into. is this going to be only a crush? a mere infatuation? or you're willing to put effort to let love blossom from this? it's your say. it's your choice.

so we get to choose who we fall in love with attraction. it's attraction that we can't help having towards. we cannot choose the object of our attraction and that happens naturally multiple times. it's one of the constant occurrences throughout the life. Part of human nature to attract and vice versa.

and love is not a mere attraction, it's the next level. it's affection. and attraction doesn't go to affection with mere seconds. we get attracted in short period. but to fall in love we need to let the affection grow. it takes longer. it is by chance. it is by efforts.

so yes, we can help and do have a say with who we fall in love with.


that's the idea.

and that's easy to say. but that's one concept of love i hold dear currently, while i'm in a crazy twenty-something-lady hunt of love. trust me, it's a crazy world out here for single ladies. all those sorts of thought though, does not come out of the blue in one day. it's quite a train of bad and good experiences coming alternately. sure I was once part of the love-whoever-you-want team in spirit of carpe diem, seize your day, or well the infamous YOLO. nothing sorts of amuse me more than seeing two people around me falling in love and all the magic all over them. drunk with the concept of falling in love itself. it led me to a tendency of romanticizing almost everything. got myself in and out relationship quite a handful times, not something im proud of. 

and then, at some point, reality bit me. it bit me hard i turned from a romantic into this skeptical person with trust issue. but this is the part of the lesson i picked up the hard way throughout my coming of age years – that relationships dont always work. it's not anyone's faults, but make sure you pick up the lessons well. now i know to be in a relationship is not all rainbow and candy. it's easy for people in relationships to hurt each other. it's easy to leave one another. like for example, using the excuse of you cant help who you fall in love with' when the so called 'love' fade, or you might find someone more attractive? attraction happens all the time, but isnt it your choice to decide what youre gonna do with that? i might be one of those people who really dont appreciate infidelity at any level. I kinda feel this deep, inexplicable bitterness in every sense of it, which I don't even know which one is worse, be it intentionally, unintentionally, physically, mentally, or emotionally, it's all cheating. none makes the pain hurt any less for any receiving ends. any. it is one of the worst yet easiest form of betrayal a human can do. easiest because we do it to our closest people. worst because we do it to our closest people.

oh well, i rant. but still, my point is, ‘you cant help who you fall in love with‘? oh please stop with the excuse, you can. choose one of many you're attracted to and go with it.

“to fall in love is not by choice, it is by chance.  

    to fall out of love is not by chance, it is by choice.“

                  

so if you already have someone you're in love with who fits you right, it's your choice whether to stay in love or to fall out of it. it's not gonna be a small work, but trust me, it's probably gonna be the most rewarding work in your life.

/p.s:
in the picture above is this temporary tattoo i put on my ankle 2 days ago. indeed the best is yet to come or let me put this way, ehm, it's on the way.
/p.p.s:
it's not only about love tho.